Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Seeks Third Party Nomination

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog has announced his intentions to seek the Reform Party nomination for president on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Triumph recently weathered a firestorm of criticism stemming from anti-French remarks he made while covering a Quebec winter carnival in February. But the controversy isn't expected to deter Triumph from his pledge of running a 'clean' campaign for the White House. "I fully expect to be the Reform Party's nominee. Sure, I know that some French Canadians are not very happy with some remarks I made a while back...but screw 'em if they can't take a joke; they can't vote down here anyway. And they ain't half as mad at me as the Democrats are at Nader right now."

Triumph laid out his campaign plan to the Late Night audience. "We're already mobilizing forces to have me on the ballots of most of the 50 states by the time of the convention in August. Not only are we going to New Hampshire, we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and then we're going to California and Texas and New York...but not Mississippi. Let the other candidates fight over that hot, humid, mosquito-bitten piece of swampland. But we ARE going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. We'll skip Louisiana since I've already hacked off enough French speaking people on this continent. After a side-trip to Cuba for more cigars, we're going to Washington, D.C. To take the White House! AAARRRROOOOO!!!" howled Triumph, mocking the "Dean Scream" to the delight of the largely adolescent audience.

Triumph has already garnered the endorsements of several notable politicians such as Lyndon LaRouche and David Duke. "I believe Triumph is the man...um....dog that can help heal the split in the Reform Party that erupted in 2000, when candidates Pat Buchanan and Iowa physicist John Hagelin both sought the nomination and the $12.6 million in matching funds. Now that there's no money at stake, I am confident that Triumph can unite the Reform Party on a platform of change and by basically being unopposed," gushed LaRoche. David Duke expressed similar admiration for Triumph. "Triumph says the things we all wish we could say without fear of mob violence."

"David is a good guy... for me...to count on. A really nice fellow for a racist bigot. But it demonstrates I am a unifying force in the Reform Party, which David has so graciously agreed to join shortly after I announced my candidacy," gloated Triumph. "And on the other side of the race card, I'm also bringing Al Sharpton on-board as my campaign manager; when it comes to slinging glib, topically irrelevant statements that no one challenges, Al can't be beat. The fact that both a flamboyant black reverend AND a full-time white-supremacist can endorse an intolerant, trash-talking, dark-brown dog who licks his own butt shows my broad-based appeal," said Triumph.

But not all Reform Party participants are so enthusiastic about Triumph's proposed bid for the White House. Pat Buchanan has reservations about Triumph's deviate sexual past. "Triumph has by his own admissions engaged in deviant sexual activity with Benji, and on numerous occasions, even Lassie. I do not feel this is the type of person...I mean...dog, we wish to send to Washington," said Buchanan. Triumph promptly addressed Buchanan's remarks. "I resent his Falwell-esque "Purple Teletubby" insinuation. Buchanan's opinions are only good for me to...uh...comment on. While I admire Mr. Buchanan's distinguished career as a ...what the hell does he do again? Oh yeah, his career as a columnist...I respectfully request that Mr. Buchanan learn to separate my political platform from my stand up comedy routine. Afterall, that's what we did for him in 2000."

Triumph is already formulating plans for formal three-way debates between himself, Sen. John Kerry and President George Bush. "They can't dodge me forever. Right now, the Democrats are busy scrutinizing Bush's National Guard record like it's a 'Where's Waldo' picture puzzle, while Republican spin-doctors are desperately trying to make 'bad Intelligence' look a little less like 'mild retardation'. But, eventually, they'll have to deal with me directly, the plainspoken, no-holds-barred people's candidate. I've got REAL issues and I can win this thing! It's obvious these chumps don't have a chance against me in a live debate. Afterall, can they do THIS?" asked Triumph as he doubled over and began...ah...grooming himself. Strangely enough, early polls find the average voter views such ability favorably in the candidate of their choice.
Upon reviewing the polls, Sen. Edwards responded, "Well, screw THAT!" and dropped out of the race.

Ross Perot, when asked about the prospect of Triumph running on the ticket of the party he built in the 1990's, had this to say: "That vile, obnoxious, worm-infested mutt's got issues alright! Listen here! If you're seriously considering voting for a dawg, that sucking sound you hear is everybody's common sense leaking right out of their freaking skulls. There ain't no way that flea-bitten sock-monkey's going to make a mockery out of the party I created and won matching funds for! I'll kick that foul-mouthed, cigar-chopping mongrel's butt so hard, people will think he's one of my bedroom slippers!"

Triumph was stunned by Perot's acrimonious comments. "Man, that's harsh! Who died and made him Gollum, anyway? I hate to break it to him, but Pat and John already made a mockery out of his "precious" little party in 2000," Triumph countered. Regaining his composure, Triumph continued. "Just because he was the architect of the Reform Party, Perot thinks he's entitled to select all of the candidates like he selects his button down white shirts for work. What he IS entitled to do is kiss my furry butt....er....what I mean is, he is entitled to voice his opinions like everyone else. Perhaps he should consider running on the "Garden Gnome" ticket with Kucinich as his running mate," Triumph suggested snickering under his breath. When asked about his own prospective running mates, Triumph took a long draw on his cigar and pondered for a moment. "I'm really interested in someone 'like-minded'. So, I'm leaning towards either Don Rickles or Andrew Dice Clay. Maybe even Rudy Giuliani. But that's something...for me to sleep on."