Computer World

ABOUT MICROBORE, Inc.

MicroBore, Inc. was founded in 78 AD in Pompeii as part of a long-term public works contract to automate the “volcano god appeasement” process. After the contract was cancelled, MicroBore, Inc. merged with a Roman competitor overseeing numerous road construction projects and was given the first exclusive entertainment contract as technical advisor for Coliseum events.
After opening headquarters in France, England and Spain, MicroBore's relentless penetration into new markets made it the first high-tech company in the New World by opening an office in Tenochtitlan, the thriving center of the Aztec Empire. As primary contractor on the Aztec Tourism Initiative, MicroBore, Inc. had now gained worldwide fame that has carried it through the centuries.

From its revolutionary FlyRite carrier pigeon navigation system to WWI’s innovative GAS-XP weapons system, MicroBore, Inc. has been there…and is still here. Now, MicroBore, Inc. is proud to announce the rollout of its newest, most innovative operating system since the last one.

Consisting of cutting edge technology in unholy union with forces of Darkness beyond the comprehension of the common man, the BaalXP is guaranteed to be the last operating system you will ever need...or no money back. That's right!

We at MicroBore are so sure of the BaalXP's ability to completely overwhelm your higher cognitive functions that we are prepared to make this additional offer: buy one BaalXP at regular price and get a second one at exactly the same price. Unbelievable! How can we afford to make this offer? We’re crazy! Plus we have a sizeable volume discount and we‘re passing no savings on to you. So become part of the ever-expanding MicroBore family today. We've even included a Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) section to ease you into the last OS you'll ever need.

MicroBore FAQ

QUESTION: When I try to install BaalXP on a computer running Baal95, the Setup stops at the "Preparing Installation" screen. What should I do? ANSWER: For crying out loud. We were unaware that anyone out there was still running Baal95. Uninstall Baal95, you idiot!

QUESTION: Why do I get a “server not responding” error message whenever I sign into Baal Messenger?

ANSWER: The error message appears if Baal Messenger does not successfully connect to the River Styx Messenger Service. So you think that might be the reason, jackass? I guess your real question is what to do about it. The answer is to go back to that particular porn site later when the server isn't so busy.

QUESTION: How do I trouble-shoot sound problems in BaalXP?

ANSWER: Yo, Einstein, get your hearing checked. There are no sound problems in BaalXP.

QUESTION: How do I copy music to and from an audio CD in BaalXP?

ANSWER: You don't need to be copying any music, mister! Give us your name and address so we can turn you in to SONY.

QUESTION: When I try and run any program, I get "the specific path does not exist. Check the path and try again." What do I do?

ANSWER: Check the path and try again, moron. How many times does it have to tell you?

QUESTION: How do I trouble-shoot problems with America On-line (AOL)?

ANSWER: This is a four-step process:

1. Remove AOL installation disk.

2. Purchase 12-gauge shotgun.

3. Toss AOL disk into the air.

4. "Trouble-shoot" the hell out of it, then get a decent provider.

QUESTION: Where can I download a demo to see if BaalXP is what I need?

ANSWER: Oh, shut up!

QUESTION: OK, OK! Let's say I purchase it. What do I need to know before installing BaalXP?

ANSWER: You need to know that by installing BaalXP, you are pledging your eternal soul to MicroBore to do as it pleases. AH, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HAAA!!! No, just kidding. Just remember to put your serial number and product code information in a safe place so you can provide it when receiving tech support.

QUESTION: How do I activate my copy of BaalXP?

ANSWER: BaalXP uses a proprietary software-based product activation technology spawned in the depths of Hell itself. You must activate your copy of BaalXP before you can use it. This eliminates a form of software piracy known as "casual copying" (sharing of software). To activate, use the Baal Product Activation wizard to provide the installation ID and the serial number of your immortal soul to MicroBore (either over the Internet or your phone line). A technical support demon in Hell trades a confirmation ID to activate BaalXP in return for your eternal damnation. Simple as that.

QUESTION: What is "Next-Generation Secure Computing Base"?

ANSWER: You're too stupid to even understand the answer to that. This is complex technology, but we'll humor you. NGSCB is a combination of new hardware and software that MicroBore guarantees will improve the security of PCs as well as eliminate any vestige of privacy still remaining in modern society. Soon, it'll be everywhere, so be a good little pod-person and stop asking questions you don't understand.

QUESTION: The latest patch issued by MicroBore is causing some Baal2000 machines to stop responding after start up. What's happening?

ANSWER: Elementary, my dear. It's simply trying to download a set of drivers and can't. The patch covers a nasty hole in the BaalXP implementation of Secure Sockets Layer (SSL). We feel crashing a few computers like yours are a small price to pay for maintaining the illusion that we are being proactive in closing security holes that we created in the first place. So quit your whining and upgrade!

MicroBore: “Soon we’ll be doing everything for you. EVERYTHING!!!!”