Pop-Up Ads Ruin Life in the Matrix

The appearance of pop-up ads in everyday reality has prompted leading scientists to speculate that what we perceive as “real life” is nothing more than a virtual reality simulation. "And that's not the bad news," stated Dr. Zachary Smith, lead researcher at the Morpheus Institute of Computer Studies. "The sharp increase in pop-up ads appearing at inopportune times has, among other things, led to a rash of traffic accidents from obstructed fields of view. And it shows no sign of leveling off. In fact, it is increasing since this is an agonizingly long political year. At this rate, life in this computer construct will SUCK in no time."

Not everybody is taking the new revelations negatively. Many employers reported higher than average absenteeism after the news broke. Erik Lisenherr, regional manager of Con-Electric remarked, "We've had difficulty keeping the power grid going due to 70% of our operators declining to come to work now that they realize the world isn't even real. We've had about....(goddammit get that Viagra ad out of my face)....a dozen blackouts in the Midwest due to failure to properly route....(geez, Louise, no, I do not want a bigger penis).... power supplies," he said.

Several AWOL workers were interviewed in Central Park, playing frisbee. "This is so cool. If nothing is real, then nothing matters. Takes a load off of my mind, "said Buck Itall. When asked how he intended to pay rent and eat, if he didn't have a paycheck, Buck replied, "Well...uh...if nothing is real...then how can you starve to death, right?" Optimistic but flawed logic is expected to take a huge toll over the coming weeks. Virtual reality appears to have the same laws of physics the real world has, given the steadily increasing number of gravity-related deaths.

As the new reality sets in, there have also been a rash of gun related deaths as people, under the mistaken notion that they can dodge bullets, continue to shoot at each other. Ted Logan, theology student at Notre Dame, pleaded with a group of high school students to exercise caution after coming upon them exchanging shots. Logan was shot and killed after warning the group, "Whoa, Dudes, like, you're not Neo, OK?"

As the number of pop-up ads continue to escalate, even mundane activities have been slowed to a snail's pace. "It takes five minutes to get to the bathroom going through one ad after another," said one disgruntled office worker still on the job. "These things are freaking dangerous. I'm constantly bashing my head on the low hanging ones. And one of my co-workers was found in his office this morning, crushed to death under about two dozen porn site pop-ups. That's a pretty nasty way to go."