More FDA News

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Friday April 16, 2004, 2:19 PM
Statement by FDA Commissioner

PRESS RELEASE: FDA Bans Caffeine

WASHINGTON, DC (DunnWire) April 16, 2004 --Following our successful ban on Ephedra, we are expanding our authority by banning 1,3,7 trimethylxanthine, commonly known as caffeine. Caffeine is the most widely abused drug on the market today, and we at the FDA are taking immediate steps towards enforcing a complete ban on the substance.

Former FDA Commissioner Mark McCellan has previously confirmed the evils of caffeine which have been theorized for some time. Commissioner McCellan, Md, Ph.D., has now left the FDA after suggesting the total ban and being nominated for head of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services by President Bush in February. The Senate confirmed him in March. Even though no successor has been named to head the FDA, we are prepared to run amok and will follow through with the ban on caffeine in order to protect society from the ravages of this insidious drug.


The dangers of caffeine have been documented as far back as 1909 as World War I soldiers succumbed to caffeine poisoning by the hundreds. Victims of caffeine abuse are still diagnosed with any number of psychological ailments including ADHD and bipolar disorders. Use of caffeine has also been associated with dangerously low potassium levels, insomnia, and 'annoying perkiness'. The numbers of coffee related vehicular accidents have steadily increased since the late 80's, causing widespread alarm among health-officials, ultimately leading to this complete ban.

We also announce this bold move after it has been discovered that former Ephedra users are now substituting caffeine. Substitution of caffeine for the dangerous herbal supplement has elevated "strong coffee" consumption to dangerous levels. Coffee shops as well as soda and chocolate suppliers are to immediately cease and desist serving products containing 1,3,7 trimethylxanthine after the ban goes into effect today.

In our effort to reach out to children and adolescents about the dangers of caffeine, we are proud to unveil our new poster-child "Caffeine-Head Charlie" to list and define the serious effects of caffeine on the human body. Say hello, Caffeine-Head Charlie!


Wow, Caffeine-Head Charlie sure is irritable. That's just one of the side effects of caffeine, kids.

Wakefulness--One of the insidious side effects of caffeine is its ability to forestall sleep. Persons suffering from caffeine abuse will often use the drug in the evenings, delaying their normal bed times by two-four hours. They are frequently known to engage in random activities during the late hours. College students suffering from acute caffeine psychosis have been known to read hundreds of pages in a single night, gradually driven to madness by the brain altering effects of coffee. Persons prone to caffeine abuse in the mornings have been diagnosed with Anti-Attention Deficit Disorder (AADD) causing them to focus on a single task for hours at a time.

Agitation--Caffeine's ability to elevate heart rate produces undesirable effects in humans. Caffeine abusers have been known to launch into fits of anger over minor everyday incidents such as finding an empty coffeepot. They also have been known to develop unhealthy attachments to coffee-related items and may be driven to rage by the removal of some personal object like a coffee cup. This anger becomes more single-mindedly projected toward all things pertaining to coffee, its taste or even something as mundane as its temperature.

Annoying Perkiness--Caffeine abusers endure stunted social development as the result of a range of anti-social behaviors stemming from their addiction. The most pronounced symptom is the 'annoying perkiness' most prominent in the mornings. While most non-addicted people are slowly coming up to speed in the early hours, caffeine addicts have an unreasonably chipper attitude and elevated mood which is very disruptive in a work environment. As a result, caffeine addicts find themselves isolated from their co-workers. Generally, their only form of social interaction comes from other addicts in bizarre reinforcing rituals such as spontaneous congregation around the coffee machine and 'drip-fixation'.

Health Related Issues-- The myriad of health-related issues associated with coffee are too numerous to list. Most long-term coffee abusers develop chronic carpal tunnel syndrome in their forefingers and thumb from hours of trance-like balancing of coffee cups. Many require many months of painful rehabilitation once the addiction is cured.

The propensity for caffeine abusers to consume coffee at any opportunity has led to a rash of 'Coffee Crotch' incidents, resulting in numerous vehicular accidents and injuries. Incidents of sterility, though rare, have been reported when Coffee Crotch is left untreated. The mental health risks of coffee manifest themselves in disorders such as 'Caffeine Psychosis' where addicts become single-mindedly 'crazy about the stuff' and simply refuse to seek treatment to cure their addiction.

Don't let this happen to you! Drink Tequilla.


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Testimony by Dr. Condoleezza Rice before the 9-11 commission Hearings: TRANSLATED.

RICE: "There was no silver bullet that could have prevented [the Sept. 11, 2001 terror strikes]."

TRANSLATION: “My background is in vampire studies, consequently my arsenal of wooden stakes was useless against the emerging werewolf threat”.

RICE: "He made clear to me that he did not want to respond to al-Qaeda one attack at a time. He told me he was 'tired of swatting flies'."

TRANSLATION: “The President sought to create a big pile of crap in Iraq to draw all the flies there.”

RICE: "I'm now convinced that while nothing in this strategy would have done anything about 9-11, if we had in fact moved on the things that were in the original memos that we got from our counterterrorism people, we might have even gone off course."

TRANSLATION: “The strategy was doomed from the start. But, even if it wasn' t we'd probably screw it up anyway, right? “

RICE: "It did not warn of attacks inside the United States. It was historical information based on old reporting."

TRANSLATION: "The report consisted of the same, vague hearsay and rhetoric that all of our intelligence has historically contained. Therefore, we just ignored it like we always do."

RICE: "The terrorists were at war with us, but we were not yet at war with them. For more than 20 years, the terrorist threat gathered, and America's response across several administrations of both parties was insufficient."

TRANSLATION: "We thought if we just didn't give them the attention they were seeking, they'd just go away. Basically, we all suck at this. Get off my back!"

RICE: "Tragically, for all the language of war spoken before September 11, this country simply was not on a war footing."

TRANSLATION: "We were still on the good foot celebrating the election, so we never saw it coming."

RICE: "As an officer of government on duty that day, I will never forget the sorrow and the anger I felt."

TRANSLATION: “It’s all in my new book, ‘The Anger and the Sorrow of Condi Rice.”

RICE: "Troubling, yes. But they don't tell us when, they don't tell us where, they don't tell us who and they don't tell us how."

TRANSLATION: “Basically, we didn't know jack”.

RICE: "America's Al Qaeda policy wasn't working because our Afghanistan policy wasn't working, and our Afghanistan policy wasn't working because our Pakistan policy wasn't working."

TRANSLATION: “Our policy had more holes in it than Windows XP on a wireless network”.

RICE: "I really don't remember, Commissioner, whether I discussed this with the President."

TRANSLATION: “I tuned out about 5 minutes into his anger fueled, spittle slinging tirade.”

RICE: "May I address the question, sir?"

TRANSLATION: “Do you really want me to answer this loaded, open-ended question, or is the sound of your own jaw creaking more appealing?”

RICE: "We did have a structural problem, and structural problems take some time to address."

TRANSLATION: “If our intelligence information dissemination protocol were a house, it would have been condemned in the 1980's.”

RICE: "First of all, it was coming from the top because the President was meeting with his director of central intelligence. And one of the changes that this President made was to meet face to face with his director of central intelligence almost every day."

TRANSLATION: “The President enjoyed an afternoon nap everyday from 1:00-2:00 p.m.”

RICE: "We're safer, but we're not safe."

TRANSLATION: “So, you want to live forever or what?”

RICE: "[You] have to depend on intelligence agencies to tell you what is relevant." TRANSLATION: “It's Tenet's fault.”

RICE: "I would like to finish my point."

TRANSLATION: “Just shut-the-hell-up!

“RICE: "And under President Bush's leadership, we will remain at war until the terrorist threat to our Nation is ended."

TRANSLATION: “Get used to it.”