Ralph Nader For Dummies

Ralph Nader, political nemesis, public nuisance or pragmatic negotiator? Who knows. But he sure likes to talk and he's campaigning again. Teaming up with Perot's Reform Party in order to get on state ballots, is politics' newest tag team a political reality....or unsafe at any speed?

NADER: I applaud the thousands of grocery employees in Southern California who are standing up for all workers against all too familiar examples of corporate abuse.

TRANSLATION: I wanna give a shout out to all my peeps!

NADER: Competition is a canard, and industry insiders know it.

TRANSLATION: They also know what the word 'canard' means.

NADER: Proponents of repealing this law argue that it will promote competition in the electricity sector and unleash billions of dollars in private investments needed to upgrade the electricity grid in the wake of the recent blackout.

TRANSLATION: Lies. All LIES!!!

NADER: If there was ever a sign as to how consumers have been abandoned, check out the recent surges in the prices of gasoline, heating oil, and natural gas.... If the American people are not going to receive any price relief, how about an explanation, Mr. Bush?

TRANSLATION: WHOOP! There it is!

NADER: But, the average fleet efficiency levels in new vehicles have slipped to the lowest level since 1980.

TRANSLATION: Excuse me while I back this Hummer over the current Administration's energy policy.

NADER: Consumers will save money at the pump, the air we breathe will be cleaner, and the amount of oil we import will decrease.

TRANSLATION: It's not easy being Green.

NADER: What government? The Bush Administration is headed by two ex-oil fellows and around Bush and Cheney there are 40 high officials who came from the oil and gas industry. Washington is marinated in oil!

TRANSLATION: Just add a little salt and pepper and we can cook this goose by November!

NADER: With nearly 80 percent of the nation's citizens living in urban-metropolitan areas, it is time to establish a new office that recognizes the real world in the 21st Century-an office with the authority to coordinate the disparate facets of federal programs which affect the overwhelming number of our citizens.

TRANSLATION: What we need are more lawyers in love.

NADER: Gluttony literally is rapidly becoming a competitive sport.

TRANSLATION: For the current Administration the only item left on the menu is crow.

NADER: Now Republicans and Democrats can not resist the lure of more frequent redistricting because, depending on who controls the state government, the reward of making their one party districts are obvious.

TRANSLATION: My district currently extends from the alley behind Wal-Mart to the Denny's parking lot.

NADER: Large corporations with their giant corporate law firms skilled in battles of attrition and delay can routinely bring the small number of state and federal prosecutors to such levels of concessions, if they do not escape prosecution filings entirely in the first place.

TRANSLATION: To compare these corporate law firms to Godzilla would be accurate, however, it would also alienate avid fans of the fictitious movie monster who make up a large portion of my core constituency.

NADER: With the chicken hawk-driven war on Iraq in high gear, Bush and Cheney have learned that the best way to silence the Democratic Party, distract from their miserable domestic outrages and provide the corporate and rich classes with favors is to envelop our nation in fear.

TRANSLATION: The Bush Administration has had SOME successes.

NADER: But the chicken hawks in Washington, led by Bush and Cheney, are disregarding the advice of many battle-tested officers, retired Generals and Admirals, diplomats and intelligence officials.

TRANSLATION: This Iraqi War Plan looks more and more like it was written by 'Frankie Goes To Hollywood.'

NADER: For years, consumer activists have asked Al Gore to reverse the U.S. policy of punishing developing country governments that tried to make essential medicines more affordable for sick people. And Gore ignored the calls.

TRANSLATION: Now that Gore's got a lot more time on his hands, maybe he'll start taking my freaking phone calls.

NADER: Watching reports describing our draft-dodging President as totally immersed in the scope and details of his Iraqi invasion, a number of puzzling questions arise.

TRANSLATION: Ya know...maybe I should have just stayed out of the 2000 election.

Secretary Rumsfeld's Interview with NBC's Matt Lauer: TRANSLATED

RUMSFELD: "Good morning."

TRANSLATION: "Howdy Do!"

RUMSFELD: "The first indication that the Department of Defense received was, I believe, on January 13th, when a soldier who saw some abuses taking place, apparently, reported them up his chain of command to his superior out there in Baghdad area. And the Central Command, the United States military command there, made an announcement to the world January 16th indicating that the charges of abuses had been made and that an investigation had been initiated by General Sanchez."

TRANSLATION: "Somebody squealed in January. We tried to cover it up with standard, lumbering bureaucratic procedure but it got away from us."

RUMSFELD: "Well, first of all, the report, as I understand it, is a stack of a report coupled with a whole series of annexes. And so when I’m asked a question as to whether I’ve read the entire report, I answer honestly that I have not. It is a mountain of paper and investigative material. Second ..."

TRANSLATION: "Did we bury it deep enough? Heavens to Betsy no!"

RUMSFELD: "Just a minute. I’m going to respond to your question. Second, the report and the information was part of a criminal investigation. And when there’s a criminal investigation, as you know, whether it’s in the military or outside the military, those things are managed in a prosecution or prosecutorial mode, and the materials are pretty much kept within that chain. Third, the information about the abuse led to the investigations from a management standpoint that were initiated almost immediately, and then sequentially thereafter to the point that there are six different aspects of it that have been looked into. The system worked. And it was announced publicly. There was no secret about it. They went right before the world in Iraq and told the Iraqi people, the American people, everyone, 'Be on notice. There have been these charges made.' So it worked."

TRANSLATION: "There, is it buried under enough bulls**t now? Yeah, boy!"

RUMSFELD: "Indeed".

TRANSLATION: "Fo shizzle mah nizzle"

RUMSFELD: "Well, clearly it’s the United States Army and the Central Command have the responsibility for the management of the prisons in that part of the world. And they are determining responsibility at the present time. And there have already been some criminal actions undertaken."

TRANSLATION: "Do I mean it's General Sanchez's job to find a scapegoat? Uh huh!"

RUMSFELD: "There’s two aspects to the facility there at Abu Ghraib. One aspect, of course, is detention. It’s keeping people off the street so that they can’t go out and commit a criminal act. A second aspect is interrogation, and it’s asking people questions to try to glean information that can save the lives of American soldiers in Iraq. And one aspect of it is handled by the people who handle detention and another aspect is handled by the people who handle the process of asking questions to try to save the lives of American soldiers."

TRANSLATION: "Did I completely circumvent the question about how Reserve Brigadier General Janis Karpinski was denied access to the cell block where these abuses took place? Oh, goodness yes!"

RUMSFELD: "Those are legal questions that are being studied in the investigation and determined to try to assess responsibility and culpability."

TRANSLATION: "Am I tap dancing as fast as I can? Well, pick up a paddle and slap me cross-eyed, sure I am!"

RUMSFELD: "Well, it’s not accurate. The fact of the matter is that from the very outset, the decision was made by the government of the United States that the people detained would not be treated in a manner that was... The decision was made that the Geneva Convention did not apply precisely but that every individual would be treated as though the Geneva Convention did apply. And as a result, the provisions of the Geneva Convention were the basic rules under which all people were detained. So it would not be accurate to say what that editorial said."

TRANSLATION: "What is this 'Geneva Convention' you speak of?"

RUMSFELD: "Certainly not, because in close proximity to what you quoted, I think you’ll find the statement I just made, that the United States government, the lawyers, made a conscious decision and announced it to the world and announced it to all the people engaged in the detention process that these people would, in fact, be treated as though the Geneva Convention did apply."

TRANSLATION: "Did we even think about the Geneva Convention? Good golly, Miss Molly, not at all!"

RUMSFELD: "Well, I’ve responded. I don’t know what else one can say. There’s no question that when any citizen, soldier or civilian, breaks the law, abuses people in a manner that’s inconsistent with the way people are trained and taught and with the way decent human beings behave, then that’s harmful to the United States."

TRANSLATION: "Am I the 'Secretary Emeritus' of harmful? Why, indubitably, Matt!"

RUMSFELD: "Well, anyone who sees the photographs does, in fact, apologize to the people who were abused. That is wrong. It shouldn’t have happened. It’s un-American. It’s unacceptable. And we all know that. And that apology is there to any individual who was abused. It seems to me that these things have occurred. The task for me, as the responsible person in the Department of Defense, is to see that if it’s an isolated instance that it’s punished under the Uniform Code of Military Justice. If it’s systemic, if there’s something broader than that, obviously we have to undertake the kinds of investigations we’re taking to see if other individuals conceivably have behaved that way."

TRANSLATION: "Us, and them. And after all we’re only ordinary men. Me and you. God only knows it’s not what we would choose to do. Have I resorted to quoting lyrics from 'Dark Side of The Moon', Matt? Certainly!"

RUMSFELD: "Of course not. We wouldn’t be conducting these investigations if we thought we knew the answers. We don’t know the answers. And that’s why, starting last January, at the first indication of this, these investigations were initiated."

TRANSLATION: "Am I more clueless than Colonel Klink in 'Hogan's Heroes'? Well, actually no. I'm more in denial like Sgt. Schultz!"

Computer World

ABOUT MICROBORE, Inc.

MicroBore, Inc. was founded in 78 AD in Pompeii as part of a long-term public works contract to automate the “volcano god appeasement” process. After the contract was cancelled, MicroBore, Inc. merged with a Roman competitor overseeing numerous road construction projects and was given the first exclusive entertainment contract as technical advisor for Coliseum events.
After opening headquarters in France, England and Spain, MicroBore's relentless penetration into new markets made it the first high-tech company in the New World by opening an office in Tenochtitlan, the thriving center of the Aztec Empire. As primary contractor on the Aztec Tourism Initiative, MicroBore, Inc. had now gained worldwide fame that has carried it through the centuries.

From its revolutionary FlyRite carrier pigeon navigation system to WWI’s innovative GAS-XP weapons system, MicroBore, Inc. has been there…and is still here. Now, MicroBore, Inc. is proud to announce the rollout of its newest, most innovative operating system since the last one.

Consisting of cutting edge technology in unholy union with forces of Darkness beyond the comprehension of the common man, the BaalXP is guaranteed to be the last operating system you will ever need...or no money back. That's right!

We at MicroBore are so sure of the BaalXP's ability to completely overwhelm your higher cognitive functions that we are prepared to make this additional offer: buy one BaalXP at regular price and get a second one at exactly the same price. Unbelievable! How can we afford to make this offer? We’re crazy! Plus we have a sizeable volume discount and we‘re passing no savings on to you. So become part of the ever-expanding MicroBore family today. We've even included a Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) section to ease you into the last OS you'll ever need.

MicroBore FAQ

QUESTION: When I try to install BaalXP on a computer running Baal95, the Setup stops at the "Preparing Installation" screen. What should I do? ANSWER: For crying out loud. We were unaware that anyone out there was still running Baal95. Uninstall Baal95, you idiot!

QUESTION: Why do I get a “server not responding” error message whenever I sign into Baal Messenger?

ANSWER: The error message appears if Baal Messenger does not successfully connect to the River Styx Messenger Service. So you think that might be the reason, jackass? I guess your real question is what to do about it. The answer is to go back to that particular porn site later when the server isn't so busy.

QUESTION: How do I trouble-shoot sound problems in BaalXP?

ANSWER: Yo, Einstein, get your hearing checked. There are no sound problems in BaalXP.

QUESTION: How do I copy music to and from an audio CD in BaalXP?

ANSWER: You don't need to be copying any music, mister! Give us your name and address so we can turn you in to SONY.

QUESTION: When I try and run any program, I get "the specific path does not exist. Check the path and try again." What do I do?

ANSWER: Check the path and try again, moron. How many times does it have to tell you?

QUESTION: How do I trouble-shoot problems with America On-line (AOL)?

ANSWER: This is a four-step process:

1. Remove AOL installation disk.

2. Purchase 12-gauge shotgun.

3. Toss AOL disk into the air.

4. "Trouble-shoot" the hell out of it, then get a decent provider.

QUESTION: Where can I download a demo to see if BaalXP is what I need?

ANSWER: Oh, shut up!

QUESTION: OK, OK! Let's say I purchase it. What do I need to know before installing BaalXP?

ANSWER: You need to know that by installing BaalXP, you are pledging your eternal soul to MicroBore to do as it pleases. AH, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HAAA!!! No, just kidding. Just remember to put your serial number and product code information in a safe place so you can provide it when receiving tech support.

QUESTION: How do I activate my copy of BaalXP?

ANSWER: BaalXP uses a proprietary software-based product activation technology spawned in the depths of Hell itself. You must activate your copy of BaalXP before you can use it. This eliminates a form of software piracy known as "casual copying" (sharing of software). To activate, use the Baal Product Activation wizard to provide the installation ID and the serial number of your immortal soul to MicroBore (either over the Internet or your phone line). A technical support demon in Hell trades a confirmation ID to activate BaalXP in return for your eternal damnation. Simple as that.

QUESTION: What is "Next-Generation Secure Computing Base"?

ANSWER: You're too stupid to even understand the answer to that. This is complex technology, but we'll humor you. NGSCB is a combination of new hardware and software that MicroBore guarantees will improve the security of PCs as well as eliminate any vestige of privacy still remaining in modern society. Soon, it'll be everywhere, so be a good little pod-person and stop asking questions you don't understand.

QUESTION: The latest patch issued by MicroBore is causing some Baal2000 machines to stop responding after start up. What's happening?

ANSWER: Elementary, my dear. It's simply trying to download a set of drivers and can't. The patch covers a nasty hole in the BaalXP implementation of Secure Sockets Layer (SSL). We feel crashing a few computers like yours are a small price to pay for maintaining the illusion that we are being proactive in closing security holes that we created in the first place. So quit your whining and upgrade!

MicroBore: “Soon we’ll be doing everything for you. EVERYTHING!!!!”