Chris Wallace: TRANSLATED

The following is from a partial transcript of the Aug. 17, 2008, edition of "FOX News Sunday With Chris Wallace" interviewing Governor of Pennsylvania, Tom Ridge and Senator Claire McCaskill. Presented is a TRANSLATION of Wallace’s questions only:

WALLACE: "And both of you, welcome back to ‘FOX News Sunday’.
TRANSLATION: "Came back for more, eh?"

WALLACE: McCain now says that Russia must, quote, "pay a price for its actions". Specifically, what would President McCain do?
TRANSLATION: If McCain is all tied up at "The Gates of Hell" following Al Qaeda, when’s he going to have any time in this sphere of existence?

WALLACE: Senator McCaskill, one of Obama's top foreign policy advisers, Susan Rice, went after McCain this week, and let's take a look at what she had to say. "John McCain shot from the hip a very aggressive, very belligerent statement. He may or may not have complicated the situation."
Senator, how did McCain complicate the situation? Or was he just quicker than Obama to understand and recognize Russian aggression?
TRANSLATION: I know what you’re thinking. Did he ask three questions or only two. Before you answer, you have to ask yourself, "Do I feel lucky"?

WALLACE: But I mean, excuse me. But I mean, it was Susan Rice who was making political points, Obama's top foreign policy adviser.
TRANSLATION: Hey, pay attention, OK?

WALLACE: Senator McCaskill, I just want to pick up on the first part of your statement. Are you suggesting that somehow John McCain undercut President Bush and Secretary of State Rice?
TRANSLATION: "Say it. SAY IT!

WALLACE: Wait. Wait, Senator, let me let Tom Ridge in here.
TRANSLATION: You want a piece of this?

WALLACE: All right.
TRANSLATION: Shut the f**k up!

WALLACE: Let's move off this.
TRANSLATION: I said shut the f**k up!!
.
WALLACE: And to answer my question specifically, do you think the Republican Party would accept a pro-choice running mate?
TRANSLATION: Well, do ya punk?

WALLACE: Now, I just want to follow up one more time on this. The last time you were here, we talked about your pro-choice views.
TRANSLATION: Here, hold this bomb.

WALLACE: And here's what you had to say.
TRANSLATION: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!

WALLACE: Governor, have you talked with McCain about your pro-choice views on abortion and whether you would follow his pro-life views if you were to become his running mate?
TRANSLATION: Clean up on aisle five.

WALLACE: Senator McCaskill, the big news from Democrats this week is that after giving Hillary Clinton a speaking role on Tuesday night and Bill Clinton a speaking role on Wednesday night, now Hillary Clinton's going to get her name placed in nomination and to have a roll call.
Question: Is that the way President Obama would negotiate, to just keep caving in?
TRANSLATION: Hey, I just called your baby ugly. You gonna take that?

WALLACE: Senator, do you really think that a roll call vote is going to satisfy those Clinton supporters who are still, a couple of months after the fact — still unhappy and bitter about her defeat? Do you really think they're going to settle for the pageant of a roll call?

TRANSLATION: Aw c’mon! Are you serious?

WALLACE: All right.
TRANSLATION: OK, you can quit talking now.

WALLACE: We're going to have to leave it there.
TRANSLATION: Look, am I going to have to gag you?

WALLACE: Governor Ridge, Senator McCaskill, I want to thank you both for talking with us today. And we'll see you both at your conventions.
TRANSLATION: I know where you live!

John Edwards Interview With Bob Woodruff: TRANSLATED

The following excerpts are from an interview by ABC News' Bob Woodruff of former Sen. John Edwards for ABC News "Nightline" on Aug. 8, 2008. Concise translation of Edwards’ verbose, long-winded obfuscations by Marshall Dunn.

JOHN EDWARDS: In 2006 2 years ago, I made a very serious mistake. A mistake that I am responsible for and no one else. In 2006 I told Elizabeth about the mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, asked God for his forgiveness. And we have kept this within our family since that time. All of my family knows about this and just to be absolutely clear, none of them are responsible for it. I am responsible for it. I alone am responsible for it. And it led to this most recent incident at the Beverly Hilton. I was at the Beverly Hilton. I was there for a very simple reason, because I was trying to keep this mistake that I had made from becoming public.

TRANSLATION: Yep, I did her like a rock star.

JOHN EDWARDS: Oh yes, it's been over for a long time.

TRANSLATION: It was over after the Enquirer got wind of it.

JOHN EDWARDS: Well, here's the way I feel about this Bob. I think that my family is entitled to every detail. They've been told every detail. Elizabeth knows absolutely everything. I think beyond the basics, the fact that I made this mistake and I'm responsible for it and no one else. I think that's where it stops in terms of the public because I think everything else is within my family and those privacy boundaries ought to be respected.

TRANSLATION: In order to further skirt the issue and escape responsibility for my actions, I am eloquently requesting you not talk about this anymore. Hey, look over there, it’s that philandering McCain.

EDWARDS: I'm in love with one woman. I've been in love with one woman for 31 years. She is the finest human being I have ever known. And the fact that she is with me after this having happened is a testament to the kind of woman and the kind of human being she is. There is a deep and abiding love that exists between Elizabeth and myself. It's always been there, it in my judgment has never gone away.

TRANSLATION: My wife is a very decent person. As for me, I’m more two-faced than Harvey Dent.

EDWARDS: Here's what, can I explain to you what happened? First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer, that's no excuse in any possible way for what happened. This is what happened. It's what happened with me and I think happens unfortunately more often sometimes with other people.& Ego. Self-focus, self-importance. Now, I was slapped down to the ground when my son Wade died in 1996, in April of 1996. But then after that I ran for the senate and I got elected to the Senate and here we go again, it's the same old thing again. Adulation, respect, admiration. Then I went from being a senator, a young senator to being considered for vice president, running for president, being a vice presidential candidate and becoming a national public figure. All of which fed a self-focus, an egotism, a narcissism that leads you to believe that you can do whatever you want. You're invincible. And there will be no consequences. And nothing, nothing could be further from the truth.

TRANSLATION: I was born a poor, black child on the Mississippi Delta in the summer of 1953…wait a minute, that’s the wrong speech. Ah, here it is….I was a privileged, rich prick on the prowl…what the fu--? Hey, Elisabeth, that’s not funny!

EDWARDS: It was a huge judgment, mistake in judgment. But yeah, I didn't think anyone would ever know about it. I didn't. And the important thing is, how could I ever get to the place, to that place and allow myself to let that happen?

TRANSLATION: I’d never been caught before that’s how!

EDWARDS: Oh it was way before. This was in 2006. I decided, it was clear to me very quickly after this happened that I had to tell her that I loved her, she was central to my life, she had to know it and it was painful for her. Hard and painful for her, but she responded exactly like the kind of woman she is. And then she forgave me and we went to work on it. I'm not saying she thought it was okay, I'm not saying that, but she did forgive me. Listen, she understands what I understand which is that I am imperfect and anybody, anybody watching this broadcast or who hears about this who wants to beat me up for this, they should have at it. The truth is you can't possibly beat me up more than I have already beaten myself up.

TRANSLATION: Please! Not in the face!

EDWARDS: Because I did not want the public to know what I had done. Fair and simple. And there's also a lot of these you know supermarket tabloid allegations are just lies, they're complete lies. But this, this mistake, is the truth.

TRANSLATION: There’s some truth in tabloids. I’ve been a fan of “The Weekly World News” since that alien dude endorsed me.

EDWARDS: She was mad, she was angry, I think furious would be a good way to describe it. She didn't understand. We both went through a process of trying to figure out how it happened, why it happened. But she was amazing, she's just an amazing person. Elizabeth and I have been married 31 years. The admiration she gets from the public is deserved and, but nobody can see -- Bob, you've been married a long time, nobody can see inside everybody's marriage. & This is not something Elizabeth did, this something I did. And I continue to love and admire her because she has just stood with me.

TRANSLATION: She could have divorced me, took all my money and left me wearing a barrel, so I begged like a prison bitch.

EDWARDS: I have not, I would welcome participating in a paternity test. Be happy to participate in one. I know that it's not possible that this child could be mine because of the timing of events, so I know it's not possible. Happy to take a paternity test, and would love to see it happen.

TRANSLATION: That baby is black. Must be McCain’s.

EDWARDS: I met her this last time when I was in California for the very purpose that you and I just spoke about.

TRANSLATION: She wouldn’t drink the Kool-Aid.

EDWARDS: I'm saying you asked me about this photograph, I don't know anything about that photograph, I don't know who that baby is. I don't know if the picture has been altered, manufactured, if it's a picture of me taken some other time, holding another baby -- I have no idea. I was not at this meeting holding a child for my photograph to be taken I can tell you that.

TRANSLATION: No sir, not my baby! Yes sir, I don’t mean maybe. No sir, that ain’t my baby now…

EDWARDS: Uh, this is what I can tell you. I've never paid a dime of money to any of the people that are involved. I've never asked anybody to pay a dime of money, never been told that any money's been paid. Nothing has been done at my request. So if the allegation is that somehow I participated in the payment of money -- that is a lie. An absolute lie, which is typical of these types of publications.

TRANSLATION: LIES! ALL LIES!!!

EDWARDS: I don't know. I told you just a moment ago, I know absolutely nothing about this.

TRANSLATION: More lies!!!!

EDWARDS: If you're talking about Fred Baron, I do know Fred Baron. I also know that Fred Baron knows both of these people who are involved and has worked with them for years. So he has the relationship with them independent of me. So what he chose to do or not do, I can't explain, he'll have to explain. I don't know what he did or why he did it. And what his reasons for, were, for doing it. Is it possible that he wanted to help them because they were in a difficult time? Of course. Is it possible that he was worried that in fact something had happened with me, and he wanted to help? Of course that's possible. I think all these things are possible.

TRANSLATION: It’s also possible a flying monkey wearing Fez and playing the Star Spangled Banner on the kazoo might fly out of my ass.

EDWARDS: I'm not sure I had a political career for the future anyway. I'm not sure that politics was what I wanted to spend my life doing.

TRANSLATION: I sure faked it good all these years, didn’t I?

EDWARDS: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I think our marriage will not only survive but be strong.

TRANSLATION: There’s nothing like a good old fashioned affair to make a marriage stronger.

EDWARDS: No. No. And again, I always said this to you, I don't think I'm going to go through the details of this, I already did it with Elizabeth-- uh, she [Ms. Hunter] was hired to come in and produce films and that's the reason she was hired.

TRANSLATION: I’ve had this dream of making porn films since college.

EDWARDS: I'm not a scientist -- I don't know what the various methods of proving it are but that's certainly one way to prove it. I mean I know right now it's not possible and she does too.

TRANSLATION: And if I were an engineer, I’d have known up front that an excuse like, “I tripped and fell and my di** accidentally got lodged in her vagina,” wouldn’t be credible.