Pop-Up Ads Ruin Life in the Matrix

The appearance of pop-up ads in everyday reality has prompted leading scientists to speculate that what we perceive as “real life” is nothing more than a virtual reality simulation. "And that's not the bad news," stated Dr. Zachary Smith, lead researcher at the Morpheus Institute of Computer Studies. "The sharp increase in pop-up ads appearing at inopportune times has, among other things, led to a rash of traffic accidents from obstructed fields of view. And it shows no sign of leveling off. In fact, it is increasing since this is an agonizingly long political year. At this rate, life in this computer construct will SUCK in no time."

Not everybody is taking the new revelations negatively. Many employers reported higher than average absenteeism after the news broke. Erik Lisenherr, regional manager of Con-Electric remarked, "We've had difficulty keeping the power grid going due to 70% of our operators declining to come to work now that they realize the world isn't even real. We've had about....(goddammit get that Viagra ad out of my face)....a dozen blackouts in the Midwest due to failure to properly route....(geez, Louise, no, I do not want a bigger penis).... power supplies," he said.

Several AWOL workers were interviewed in Central Park, playing frisbee. "This is so cool. If nothing is real, then nothing matters. Takes a load off of my mind, "said Buck Itall. When asked how he intended to pay rent and eat, if he didn't have a paycheck, Buck replied, "Well...uh...if nothing is real...then how can you starve to death, right?" Optimistic but flawed logic is expected to take a huge toll over the coming weeks. Virtual reality appears to have the same laws of physics the real world has, given the steadily increasing number of gravity-related deaths.

As the new reality sets in, there have also been a rash of gun related deaths as people, under the mistaken notion that they can dodge bullets, continue to shoot at each other. Ted Logan, theology student at Notre Dame, pleaded with a group of high school students to exercise caution after coming upon them exchanging shots. Logan was shot and killed after warning the group, "Whoa, Dudes, like, you're not Neo, OK?"

As the number of pop-up ads continue to escalate, even mundane activities have been slowed to a snail's pace. "It takes five minutes to get to the bathroom going through one ad after another," said one disgruntled office worker still on the job. "These things are freaking dangerous. I'm constantly bashing my head on the low hanging ones. And one of my co-workers was found in his office this morning, crushed to death under about two dozen porn site pop-ups. That's a pretty nasty way to go."

Cable TV

CLICK--"...now for the news. Election 8 months away and we’re already bored. Bill Clinton with the report...”

CLICK--"...my opponent for President was on both sides of the sex-with-goats issue..."

CLICK--“...looks like Alexis has just been voted right off the plank in this week’s installment of ‘Survivor: The Bounty’....”

CLICK--“....this here’s a story ‘bout a man named Ed,
shared a government contract with his older brother Fred.
Then one day, they were catering some food,
when up jumped an audit, and they got their asses sued...
Sued that is....overcharging for Texas tea.....”

CLICK--"...and it's real strange, Guinan. He's hasn't been acting right since his colon was sucked out into space during that accidental pressure breach in the Shuttle toilet."

"Now, now, Troi. It's hard to believe you're a psychic sometimes, you're so freaking dense. He's just going through some typical personality changes that occur when one's asshole is turned inside out. Nothing to worry about..."

CLICK--"...Gilligan, just rip the insulation off that washed up power cable.....WHOOPS, sorry little buddy..."

CLICK--"...and in his new book, "Michael Jackson Played with My Woody", Howdy Doody describes his sexual relationship with the pop superstar..."

CLICK--“...OK, Gilligan, now move that refined uranium real careful.....WHOOPS, sorry little Buddy....”

CLICK--"....Look, King Kong has climbed to the top of the Empire State Building....now it's starting to rain...."

"That ain't rain....."

CLICK--“....and move the killer bees over to the lagoon....”

CLICK--“...my opponent is a poo-poo head. That means his head is made of poo. And the consistency of the poo is...”

CLICK--".....WHOOPS, little buddy...."

CLICK--"....we've secretly switched the coffee this office normally uses with dog shit...let's see if anyone notices...."

"Goddamn, this coffee tastes like dog-shit! I'm gonna kick somebody's ass..."

CLICK--“....my Republican opponent for President is so stupid, he doesn't even know what side of the dog the coffee comes out of....”

CLICK--".....Scott Peterson jurors caught having sex, dismissed. Martha Stewart carves gun out of soap, escapes prison. Judge Judy decapitated...film at ten...."

CLICK--"....Clark Kent killed in freak accident....Superman missing...film at ten...."

CLICK--"....and our contract with America clearly states that we, the House, shall be worshipped six times at day by facing Washington and..."

CLICK--"....running all night, 1-star movies you didn't even pay to see in the 80's....."

CLICK

Overheard In Hell -- A sample platter of enternal damnation

"Tastes great!" "Less filling!" (Jeffrey Dahmer and Idi Amin arguing about ethnic cusine).

"Sex with corpses!? Now that's just SICK!" (Caligula discussing Jeffrey Dahmer with Jack the Ripper).

"Now let me get this straight...you thought that screaming was FUNNY?" (Andrew Dice Clay talking to Sam Kinesand)

"I KNOW you didn't do it, asshole...you're in Hell because you're STUPID!" (G. Gordon Liddy berating Lee Harvey Oswald on his status as patsy).

"Bad news. God called and he wants his talent back!"
(Tokyo Rose greeting Rush Limbaugh)

"Auntie 'Em, Auntie 'Em...there's no place like home...there's no place like home!" (Crackhead from Miami).

"I know, I KNOW attacking Russia in the winter was a stupid idea."
(Adolf Hitler and Napoleon hashing out strategies).

"I know, I KNOW expecting to be in and out of Iraq in a year was a stupid idea."
(Donald Rumsfeld and Robert Mcnamara killing time)

"No, that's NOT a pistol in my pocket, but I AM happy to see you."
(Jim Baker greeting Jessica Hahn).

"Say...isn't that Salmon Rushdie?"
(Saddam Hussein to Ayatollah Khommeni).

"Shit..."
(Salmon Rushdie)

"Hey, get those colored folks on THEIR side of Hell!" (David Duke)

"....opps, I guess the red wire was the wrong one..." (IRA bomber).

"Hey, somebody turn on the air conditioning and where're my goddamned virgins?" (Al-Qaeda Suicide Bomber)

"Yoo Hoo, Mr. Martyr!"
(Anna Nichole Smith and Rosanne Barr)

"...And then I said, 'Oh, yeah? You and what army?'" (Noreiga explaining rock and roll to Saddam Hussein).

"No holiday? I lose one stinking battle and they screw me out of a holiday?" (General George Custer questioning Col. Oliver North about 21st century holidays).

"Actually, you're not supposed to be here at all. But seeing how committed you were to going along with the rest of the Administration while you were alive...."

(Minor demon explaining Colin Powell's presence in Hell)

"And I thought I put a damper on theater attendance." (John Wilkes Booth to several Chechen terrorists who enjoy the theater)

"Cruel, yes, but you can't say he didn't have it coming."
(Howard Stern commenting on Bill O'Reilly being forced to interview Robin Williams for an eternity.

"As a matter of fact, Ms. Hemsley, there IS no thermostat in my pocket....but I AM glad to see you." (Satan fighting for control of Hell with Leona Hemsley).

"Who picked out this fucking color-scheme?" (Martha Stewart fighting with Satan over interior design)

"Well, on the positive side, I actually got to take it with me."
(Kenneth Lay upon discovering all the money he ever stole shoved up his ass for eternity)

Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Seeks Third Party Nomination

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog has announced his intentions to seek the Reform Party nomination for president on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Triumph recently weathered a firestorm of criticism stemming from anti-French remarks he made while covering a Quebec winter carnival in February. But the controversy isn't expected to deter Triumph from his pledge of running a 'clean' campaign for the White House. "I fully expect to be the Reform Party's nominee. Sure, I know that some French Canadians are not very happy with some remarks I made a while back...but screw 'em if they can't take a joke; they can't vote down here anyway. And they ain't half as mad at me as the Democrats are at Nader right now."

Triumph laid out his campaign plan to the Late Night audience. "We're already mobilizing forces to have me on the ballots of most of the 50 states by the time of the convention in August. Not only are we going to New Hampshire, we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and then we're going to California and Texas and New York...but not Mississippi. Let the other candidates fight over that hot, humid, mosquito-bitten piece of swampland. But we ARE going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. We'll skip Louisiana since I've already hacked off enough French speaking people on this continent. After a side-trip to Cuba for more cigars, we're going to Washington, D.C. To take the White House! AAARRRROOOOO!!!" howled Triumph, mocking the "Dean Scream" to the delight of the largely adolescent audience.

Triumph has already garnered the endorsements of several notable politicians such as Lyndon LaRouche and David Duke. "I believe Triumph is the man...um....dog that can help heal the split in the Reform Party that erupted in 2000, when candidates Pat Buchanan and Iowa physicist John Hagelin both sought the nomination and the $12.6 million in matching funds. Now that there's no money at stake, I am confident that Triumph can unite the Reform Party on a platform of change and by basically being unopposed," gushed LaRoche. David Duke expressed similar admiration for Triumph. "Triumph says the things we all wish we could say without fear of mob violence."

"David is a good guy... for me...to count on. A really nice fellow for a racist bigot. But it demonstrates I am a unifying force in the Reform Party, which David has so graciously agreed to join shortly after I announced my candidacy," gloated Triumph. "And on the other side of the race card, I'm also bringing Al Sharpton on-board as my campaign manager; when it comes to slinging glib, topically irrelevant statements that no one challenges, Al can't be beat. The fact that both a flamboyant black reverend AND a full-time white-supremacist can endorse an intolerant, trash-talking, dark-brown dog who licks his own butt shows my broad-based appeal," said Triumph.

But not all Reform Party participants are so enthusiastic about Triumph's proposed bid for the White House. Pat Buchanan has reservations about Triumph's deviate sexual past. "Triumph has by his own admissions engaged in deviant sexual activity with Benji, and on numerous occasions, even Lassie. I do not feel this is the type of person...I mean...dog, we wish to send to Washington," said Buchanan. Triumph promptly addressed Buchanan's remarks. "I resent his Falwell-esque "Purple Teletubby" insinuation. Buchanan's opinions are only good for me to...uh...comment on. While I admire Mr. Buchanan's distinguished career as a ...what the hell does he do again? Oh yeah, his career as a columnist...I respectfully request that Mr. Buchanan learn to separate my political platform from my stand up comedy routine. Afterall, that's what we did for him in 2000."

Triumph is already formulating plans for formal three-way debates between himself, Sen. John Kerry and President George Bush. "They can't dodge me forever. Right now, the Democrats are busy scrutinizing Bush's National Guard record like it's a 'Where's Waldo' picture puzzle, while Republican spin-doctors are desperately trying to make 'bad Intelligence' look a little less like 'mild retardation'. But, eventually, they'll have to deal with me directly, the plainspoken, no-holds-barred people's candidate. I've got REAL issues and I can win this thing! It's obvious these chumps don't have a chance against me in a live debate. Afterall, can they do THIS?" asked Triumph as he doubled over and began...ah...grooming himself. Strangely enough, early polls find the average voter views such ability favorably in the candidate of their choice.
Upon reviewing the polls, Sen. Edwards responded, "Well, screw THAT!" and dropped out of the race.

Ross Perot, when asked about the prospect of Triumph running on the ticket of the party he built in the 1990's, had this to say: "That vile, obnoxious, worm-infested mutt's got issues alright! Listen here! If you're seriously considering voting for a dawg, that sucking sound you hear is everybody's common sense leaking right out of their freaking skulls. There ain't no way that flea-bitten sock-monkey's going to make a mockery out of the party I created and won matching funds for! I'll kick that foul-mouthed, cigar-chopping mongrel's butt so hard, people will think he's one of my bedroom slippers!"

Triumph was stunned by Perot's acrimonious comments. "Man, that's harsh! Who died and made him Gollum, anyway? I hate to break it to him, but Pat and John already made a mockery out of his "precious" little party in 2000," Triumph countered. Regaining his composure, Triumph continued. "Just because he was the architect of the Reform Party, Perot thinks he's entitled to select all of the candidates like he selects his button down white shirts for work. What he IS entitled to do is kiss my furry butt....er....what I mean is, he is entitled to voice his opinions like everyone else. Perhaps he should consider running on the "Garden Gnome" ticket with Kucinich as his running mate," Triumph suggested snickering under his breath. When asked about his own prospective running mates, Triumph took a long draw on his cigar and pondered for a moment. "I'm really interested in someone 'like-minded'. So, I'm leaning towards either Don Rickles or Andrew Dice Clay. Maybe even Rudy Giuliani. But that's something...for me to sleep on."