Secretary Rumsfeld's Interview with NBC's Matt Lauer: TRANSLATED

RUMSFELD: "Good morning."

TRANSLATION: "Howdy Do!"

RUMSFELD: "The first indication that the Department of Defense received was, I believe, on January 13th, when a soldier who saw some abuses taking place, apparently, reported them up his chain of command to his superior out there in Baghdad area. And the Central Command, the United States military command there, made an announcement to the world January 16th indicating that the charges of abuses had been made and that an investigation had been initiated by General Sanchez."

TRANSLATION: "Somebody squealed in January. We tried to cover it up with standard, lumbering bureaucratic procedure but it got away from us."

RUMSFELD: "Well, first of all, the report, as I understand it, is a stack of a report coupled with a whole series of annexes. And so when I’m asked a question as to whether I’ve read the entire report, I answer honestly that I have not. It is a mountain of paper and investigative material. Second ..."

TRANSLATION: "Did we bury it deep enough? Heavens to Betsy no!"

RUMSFELD: "Just a minute. I’m going to respond to your question. Second, the report and the information was part of a criminal investigation. And when there’s a criminal investigation, as you know, whether it’s in the military or outside the military, those things are managed in a prosecution or prosecutorial mode, and the materials are pretty much kept within that chain. Third, the information about the abuse led to the investigations from a management standpoint that were initiated almost immediately, and then sequentially thereafter to the point that there are six different aspects of it that have been looked into. The system worked. And it was announced publicly. There was no secret about it. They went right before the world in Iraq and told the Iraqi people, the American people, everyone, 'Be on notice. There have been these charges made.' So it worked."

TRANSLATION: "There, is it buried under enough bulls**t now? Yeah, boy!"

RUMSFELD: "Indeed".

TRANSLATION: "Fo shizzle mah nizzle"

RUMSFELD: "Well, clearly it’s the United States Army and the Central Command have the responsibility for the management of the prisons in that part of the world. And they are determining responsibility at the present time. And there have already been some criminal actions undertaken."

TRANSLATION: "Do I mean it's General Sanchez's job to find a scapegoat? Uh huh!"

RUMSFELD: "There’s two aspects to the facility there at Abu Ghraib. One aspect, of course, is detention. It’s keeping people off the street so that they can’t go out and commit a criminal act. A second aspect is interrogation, and it’s asking people questions to try to glean information that can save the lives of American soldiers in Iraq. And one aspect of it is handled by the people who handle detention and another aspect is handled by the people who handle the process of asking questions to try to save the lives of American soldiers."

TRANSLATION: "Did I completely circumvent the question about how Reserve Brigadier General Janis Karpinski was denied access to the cell block where these abuses took place? Oh, goodness yes!"

RUMSFELD: "Those are legal questions that are being studied in the investigation and determined to try to assess responsibility and culpability."

TRANSLATION: "Am I tap dancing as fast as I can? Well, pick up a paddle and slap me cross-eyed, sure I am!"

RUMSFELD: "Well, it’s not accurate. The fact of the matter is that from the very outset, the decision was made by the government of the United States that the people detained would not be treated in a manner that was... The decision was made that the Geneva Convention did not apply precisely but that every individual would be treated as though the Geneva Convention did apply. And as a result, the provisions of the Geneva Convention were the basic rules under which all people were detained. So it would not be accurate to say what that editorial said."

TRANSLATION: "What is this 'Geneva Convention' you speak of?"

RUMSFELD: "Certainly not, because in close proximity to what you quoted, I think you’ll find the statement I just made, that the United States government, the lawyers, made a conscious decision and announced it to the world and announced it to all the people engaged in the detention process that these people would, in fact, be treated as though the Geneva Convention did apply."

TRANSLATION: "Did we even think about the Geneva Convention? Good golly, Miss Molly, not at all!"

RUMSFELD: "Well, I’ve responded. I don’t know what else one can say. There’s no question that when any citizen, soldier or civilian, breaks the law, abuses people in a manner that’s inconsistent with the way people are trained and taught and with the way decent human beings behave, then that’s harmful to the United States."

TRANSLATION: "Am I the 'Secretary Emeritus' of harmful? Why, indubitably, Matt!"

RUMSFELD: "Well, anyone who sees the photographs does, in fact, apologize to the people who were abused. That is wrong. It shouldn’t have happened. It’s un-American. It’s unacceptable. And we all know that. And that apology is there to any individual who was abused. It seems to me that these things have occurred. The task for me, as the responsible person in the Department of Defense, is to see that if it’s an isolated instance that it’s punished under the Uniform Code of Military Justice. If it’s systemic, if there’s something broader than that, obviously we have to undertake the kinds of investigations we’re taking to see if other individuals conceivably have behaved that way."

TRANSLATION: "Us, and them. And after all we’re only ordinary men. Me and you. God only knows it’s not what we would choose to do. Have I resorted to quoting lyrics from 'Dark Side of The Moon', Matt? Certainly!"

RUMSFELD: "Of course not. We wouldn’t be conducting these investigations if we thought we knew the answers. We don’t know the answers. And that’s why, starting last January, at the first indication of this, these investigations were initiated."

TRANSLATION: "Am I more clueless than Colonel Klink in 'Hogan's Heroes'? Well, actually no. I'm more in denial like Sgt. Schultz!"