Dunn's Daily Translations

Here's an item that didn't work out with the New York Times. Kind of like Daily Affirmations many newspapers have. With the exception they ain't all that inspiring.

Day 1
Abraham Lincoln: “ Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”

Translated By George Bush at 4 November 2004 News Conference: "Let me put it to you this way: I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it. It is my style.”

Day 2
Howard Stern on his Radio Show 11 November 2004: "A buddy of mine who shall remain nameless says ... Viacom is trying to get Sirius [Satellite Radio] to pay off my contract and then I would leave early 'cause Sirius is anxious to get the show started.”

Translated by Albert Einstein: “To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.”

Translated by Friedrich Nietzsche: “At times one remains faithful to a cause only because opponents do not cease to be insipid.”

Translated by Mark Twain: “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you please.”

Day 3
Michael Scheuer, the former head of the CIA's Osama bin Laden Unit, as reported by ABC News 15 November 2004: "The current turmoil is a combination of a new administration under Mr. Goss, but also a decade of frustration that the clandestine service has been blamed for many problems that occurred."

Translation: “Panic now and avoid the rush.”

Translated by William Shakespeare: “Ill deeds are doubled with an evil word.”

Day 4
Joseph Cirincione of the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, as reported by CNN 15 November 2004: "Our policy toward Pakistan is basically the hope that everything stays OK."

Translated by Benjamin Franklin: “He that lives upon hope will die fasting.”

Day 5
Justin Timberlake taunting fleeing photographers outside a hotel: "Come and fight, you chickens."

Translation: “ Please allow me to execute a daring, macho move and boost my floundering celebrity status at your expense.”

Day 6
Colin Powell after resigning as Secretary of State 15 November 2004: “As we got closer to the election and in the immediate aftermath of the election it seemed an appropriate time and we were in mutual agreement that it was the appropriate time for me to move on. We knew where we were heading.”

Translated by Sir Winston Churchill: “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

Translated by Condoleeza Rice: “Mine. All mine! Mine, mine, mine!”

Day 7

Vice-President Cheney at George Washington University Hospital after undergoing three hours of tests 13 November 2004: "I feel fine."

Translated by the Tin-Man from Wizard of Oz: “When a man’s an empty kettle, he should be on his mettle. And yet I’m torn apart. Just because I’m presumin’ that I could be kinda human if I only had a heart.”

Translation: “F**k you!”

Day 8
Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld in El Salvador, 12 November 2004: "The people of Iraq are learning today what both El Salvador and the United States learned during their own struggles for independence and freedom: it's not easy...and it requires patience and has costs."

Translation: “Though the revolutions for independence of the United States, Mexico and Central American bear no resemblance to the invasion and regime change experienced by the Iraqis, thank goodness we can still idly apply unrepresentative homilies to the situation.”

Day 9

Statement Released by Barbra Streisand, Posted on November 8, 2004: ”In response to the results of the Presidential election last week, I would like to share with you a quote from Thomas Jefferson. Although written in 1798, I feel his words speak perfectly to the strong sentiments of frustration and disappointment 48% of the country feel: ‘A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public debt......If the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake.’

Translated by Confucius: “ He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good.”

Translated by Charles A. Dana: western journalist: “Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that they contain the whole truth, or the only truth.”

Translation: “Blah, blah, blah! And in case you don’t remember Alec Baldwin and I supposedly left the country after the LAST election!”

Day 10
Michael Jackson regarding Eminem’s new video, speaking to FOX News 12 November 04: “And I also want to make it clear that it's not just about Michael Jackson but about a pattern of disrespect that he has shown to our community. He needs to stop it, and he needs to stop it now."

Translation: “In my deluded state, I automatically associate any personal attacks on myself as an attack on the collective black community, even though I’m whiter than Eminem is.”

Day 11

Pat Buchanan, MSNBC political analyst, November 16, 2004, regarding Condoleezza Rice: “Dr. Rice is a scholar and Dr. Rice is a staffer. She is going to be sitting on top of a rebellious institution which adores Colin Powell and which is not going to go quietly if there`s going to be blood all over the floor there.”

Translation: “I see dead people!”

Day 12

International Energy Agency monthly report for November 2004: "Barring any major unforeseen developments, oil markets should continue to ease heading into and out of the winter."

Translation: “ Given that most major developments in the commodities market are unforeseen, I wouldn’t sell whale oil futures short just yet.”

Day 13
Alan Greenspan to the House Budget Committee on September 8, 2004: "If you get to a point of fairly significant long-term structural budget deficits, it begins to impact on the level of long-term interest rates."

Translation: “Consider a promising future in loan-sharking.”

Day 14

Bill Clinton, November 9, 2004 at Hamilton College: “The good news is I can say whatever I think. The bad news is, since I'm not president, nobody listens anymore

Translation: “Given the cosmic choice between absolute candid conversation versus having the vast responsibility of the presidency without the benefit of full disclosure, not to mention all the public adulation and careful attention to all details of what might come out of my mouth, I have to say that I’ve given both mutually exclusive options ample thought and have come to the conclusion that having that full attention of a sizable portion of the United States voting public at any particular time is significantly more appealing than living in the relative obscurity that comes with being divorced from public life. Hello? Hello, anybody out there?"

Bush-Wacked

The Election is on. Last week, using the ancient Jedi Mind Trick Cheney taught him on the good citizens of Greeley Colorado, George Bush captured more hearts and minds with his unambiguous, candid banter. The verbal flourishes and eloquence Bush is known for completely swept the adoring audience off their feet. For those who suffered head injuries as a result, this blog (under court ordered community service) has graciously offered to provide a translation of the most salient points.

BUSH--Now we are nearing the first presidential election since September the 11th, 2001. The people of the United States will choose the leader of the free world in the middle of a global war.

TRANSLATION—I’m a war president. Yeeee Haaaa!

BUSH-- First, I believe that America wins wars by fighting on the offensive.

TRANSLATION—Second, if I really believed that, we’d be in Syria by now.

BUSH--We are waging a global campaign from the mountains of Central Asia to the deserts of the Middle East, from the Horn of Africa to the Philippines. And those efforts are succeeding. Since September the 11th, 2001, more than three-quarters of al Qaeda's key members and associates have been brought to justice -- and the rest of them know we're on their trail.

TRANSLATION---Of course, this presumes we knew exactly how many al-Qaeda members they started with. This information is brought to you by the same intelligence sources that missed the signs of 9/11 but brought you phantom WMD programs.

BUSH--We ended the regime of Saddam Hussein, which sponsored terror. America and the world are safer with Saddam Hussein sitting in a prison cell.

TRANSLATION—Actually, we were just as safe while he was sitting in a hole in the ground. But, who knew?

BUSH--We sent a clear message to Libya, which has now given up its weapons of mass destruction programs.

TRANSLATION—Libya has also given up its space program, stem–cell research and any hopes of hosting an Olympics.

BUSH—He (Kerry) says that fighting -- he says that fighting terrorists in the Middle East, America has -- quote -- "created terrorists where they did not exist." End quote. This is his argument -- that terrorists are somehow less dangerous or fewer in number if America avoids provoking them.

TRANSLATION—In Texas we use the words “create” and “provoke” interchangeably.
We also piss on hornet nests.

BUSH-- But this represents a fundamental misunderstanding of the enemy.

TRANSLATION—Not me, HIM!

BUSH--As Iraq succeeds as a free society in the heart of the Middle East, an ally in the war on terror and a model of hopeful reform in a troubled region, the terrorists will suffer a crushing defeat, and every free nation will be more secure.

TRANSLATION—On the other hand, if chaos, anarchy and civil war ensures, we’re all f**ked!

BUSH--The Senator calls America's missions in Iraq a mistake, a diversion, a colossal error. And then he says he's the right man to win the war? You cannot win a war you do not believe in fighting.

TRANSLATION—You can’t win a war if you don’t fight. And you can’t fight if you can’t pass a drug test.

BUSH-- My opponent has the wrong strategy for the wrong country at the wrong time.

TRANSLATION-- As for me, I've the wrong stategy in the wrong country at the right time. That's because I'm smart.

BUSH--American leadership is indispensable to winning the war on terror. Ever since September the 11th, 2001, America has sounded a certain trumpet. America has led, many have joined, and America and the world are safer.

TRANSLATION----INCOMING!!!

BUSH-- He believes that instead of leading with confidence, America must submit to what he calls a global test.

TRANSLATION---If I had to pass a credibility test, I wouldn’t even be President.

BUSH--I'm not making that up. I was standing right here when he said it. As far as I can tell, that means our country must get permission from foreign capitals before we act in our own defense.

TRANSLATION—Of course I’m not known for keen observation and critical thinking, so he may have meant something like scrutinizing the reasons you give for going to war so that you don’t look like a liar 2 years later. But, that’s just a guess.

BUSH—I don't see much diplomatic skill in Senator Kerry's habit of insulting America's closest friends. He's called the countries serving alongside us in Iraq -- "a trumped up coalition of the bribed, the coerced, the bought, and the extorted."

TRANSLATION—What does he mean by “trumped up”? We paid good money for that support. And don’t forget Poland.

BUSH--We are witnessing big and hopeful events. Yet, my opponent refuses to see them. I believe that people across the Middle East are weary of poverty and oppression.

TRANSLATION—Hey, I just got endorsed by Iran!

BUSH-- It's fair to say that consistency has not been his strong point. Senator Kerry -- Senator Kerry says that we are better off with Saddam Hussein out of power, except when he declares that removing Saddam made us less safe.

TRANSLATION— Imagine the gullibility of someone who thinks that in the slums of Fallujah there might be a worst tyrant than Hussein.

BUSH-- Now my opponent is throwing out the wild claim that he knows where bin Laden was in the fall of and that our military had a chance to get him in Tora Bora. This is an unjustified and harsh criticism of our military commanders in the field.

TRANSLATION--By the way, these are the same field commanders who assembled those troops at Tora Bora on my orders and stayed put not to hack off Pakistan.

BUSH-- And he voted against many of the weapons systems critical to our defense build- History has shown that Senator Kerry was wrong, and President Reagan was right.

TRANSLATION---And history also shows Reagan selling arms to Iran, and funding an illegal insurgency in Nicaragua but nobody remembers that either.

BUSH--Senator Kerry has turned his back on "pay any price" and "bear any burden." And he has replaced those commitments with "wait and see," and "cut and run."

TRANSLATION—I, on the other hand, have replaced “skillful execution” with “gross underestimation.”