George W. Bush's Address on the Economic Bail-Out: TRANSLATED

Following is a transcript of President George W. Bush's address to the nation Wednesday, September 25, 2008 evening, as recorded by CQ Transcriptions:

BUSH: Good evening. This is an extraordinary period for America's economy.
TRANSLATION: Howdy, ya’ll. As I’m sure you realize, we’re more screwed than Clay Aiken at a Klan rally.

BUSH: We've seen triple-digit swings in the stock market. Major financial institutions have teetered on the edge of collapse, and some have failed.
TRANSLATION: This makes my daddy’s Savings and Loan Crisis seem like the good ole days.

BUSH: So I propose that the federal government reduce the risk posed by these troubled assets and supply urgently needed money so banks and other financial institutions can avoid collapse and resume lending.
TRANSLATION: I’m giving hobos top hats and monocles. Now they're investment bankers instead of panhandlers.

BUSH: I know many Americans have questions tonight: How did we reach this point in our economy? How will the solution I propose work? And what does this mean for your financial future?
TRANSLATION: I know what you’re thinking: Dude, where’s my money??????

BUSH: Well, most economists agree that the problems we're witnessing today developed over a long period of time. For more than a decade, a massive amount of money flowed into the United States from investors abroad because our country is an attractive and secure place to do business.
TRANSLATION: Let’s pretend you have massive gambling debts then lose your job...

BUSH: Unfortunately, there were also some serious negative consequences, particularly in the housing market. Easy credit, combined with the faulty assumption that home values would continue to rise, led to excesses and bad decisions.
TRANSLATION: Remember that Dot Com Bust? You don’t? Great, wanna buy a house?

BUSH: Borrowers with adjustable-rate mortgages, who had been planning to sell or refinance their homes at a higher price, were stuck with homes worth less than expected, along with mortgage payments they could not afford.
TRANSLATION: It’s kind of hard to sell a Hummer during a gas shortage anyway, so you may as well live in it.

BUSH: Other banks found themselves in severe financial trouble. These banks began holding on to their money, and lending dried up, and the gears of the American financial system began grinding to a halt.
TRANSLATION: Think of a 1965 Plymouth Fury III barreling down the highway at 125 mph with no oil. Now slam that puppy into reverse.

BUSH: I'm a strong believer in free enterprise, so my natural instinct is to oppose government intervention. I believe companies that make bad decisions should be allowed to go out of business. Under normal circumstances, I would have followed this course.
TRANSLATION: I guess that makes me a financial Darwinist...D’OH! Damn, that’s not going to play well with the evangelicals.

BUSH: The government's top economic experts warn that, without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would unfold.
TRANSLATION: GAH! Rich people with “Will Work for Food” signs!

BUSH: There is a spirit of cooperation between Democrats and Republicans and between Congress and this administration. In that spirit, I've invited Senators McCain and Obama to join congressional leaders of both parties at the White House tomorrow to help speed our discussions toward a bipartisan bill.
TRANSLATION: In the long run, McCain or Obama will get blamed for all this anyway, so they may as well hit the ground running.

BUSH: I also understand the frustration of responsible Americans who pay their mortgages on time, file their tax returns every April 15th, and are reluctant to pay the cost of excesses on Wall Street.
TRANSLATION: Yeah, I heard the collective, “Aw HELL Naw!” coming from main street America!

BUSH: Recently, we've seen how one company can grow so large that its failure jeopardizes the entire financial system.
TRANSLATION: Pretend Shaq is a company, Mary-Kate Olsen is a financial institution, and they’ve mutually agreed to a discrete “financial transaction”...

BUSH: For example, the Federal Reserve would be authorized to take a closer look at the operations of companies across the financial spectrum and ensure that their practices do not threaten overall financial stability.
TRANSLATION: ...so what happened is The Federal Reserve initially ignored the screaming of the distressed financial sector being ripped apart by the massive influx of Shaq’s debt...

BUSH: In the long run, Americans have good reason to be confident in our economic strength. Despite corrections in the marketplace and instances of abuse, democratic capitalism is the best system ever devised.
TRANSLATION: Quit bitching, peasants!

BUSH: Our economy is facing a moment of great challenge, but we've overcome tough challenges before, and we will overcome this one.
TRANSLATION: You survived 8 years of me, didn’t you?

BUSH: Thank you for listening. May God bless you.
TRANSLATION: God help us all!

Bush-Wacked

The Election is on. Last week, using the ancient Jedi Mind Trick Cheney taught him on the good citizens of Greeley Colorado, George Bush captured more hearts and minds with his unambiguous, candid banter. The verbal flourishes and eloquence Bush is known for completely swept the adoring audience off their feet. For those who suffered head injuries as a result, this blog (under court ordered community service) has graciously offered to provide a translation of the most salient points.

BUSH--Now we are nearing the first presidential election since September the 11th, 2001. The people of the United States will choose the leader of the free world in the middle of a global war.

TRANSLATION—I’m a war president. Yeeee Haaaa!

BUSH-- First, I believe that America wins wars by fighting on the offensive.

TRANSLATION—Second, if I really believed that, we’d be in Syria by now.

BUSH--We are waging a global campaign from the mountains of Central Asia to the deserts of the Middle East, from the Horn of Africa to the Philippines. And those efforts are succeeding. Since September the 11th, 2001, more than three-quarters of al Qaeda's key members and associates have been brought to justice -- and the rest of them know we're on their trail.

TRANSLATION---Of course, this presumes we knew exactly how many al-Qaeda members they started with. This information is brought to you by the same intelligence sources that missed the signs of 9/11 but brought you phantom WMD programs.

BUSH--We ended the regime of Saddam Hussein, which sponsored terror. America and the world are safer with Saddam Hussein sitting in a prison cell.

TRANSLATION—Actually, we were just as safe while he was sitting in a hole in the ground. But, who knew?

BUSH--We sent a clear message to Libya, which has now given up its weapons of mass destruction programs.

TRANSLATION—Libya has also given up its space program, stem–cell research and any hopes of hosting an Olympics.

BUSH—He (Kerry) says that fighting -- he says that fighting terrorists in the Middle East, America has -- quote -- "created terrorists where they did not exist." End quote. This is his argument -- that terrorists are somehow less dangerous or fewer in number if America avoids provoking them.

TRANSLATION—In Texas we use the words “create” and “provoke” interchangeably.
We also piss on hornet nests.

BUSH-- But this represents a fundamental misunderstanding of the enemy.

TRANSLATION—Not me, HIM!

BUSH--As Iraq succeeds as a free society in the heart of the Middle East, an ally in the war on terror and a model of hopeful reform in a troubled region, the terrorists will suffer a crushing defeat, and every free nation will be more secure.

TRANSLATION—On the other hand, if chaos, anarchy and civil war ensures, we’re all f**ked!

BUSH--The Senator calls America's missions in Iraq a mistake, a diversion, a colossal error. And then he says he's the right man to win the war? You cannot win a war you do not believe in fighting.

TRANSLATION—You can’t win a war if you don’t fight. And you can’t fight if you can’t pass a drug test.

BUSH-- My opponent has the wrong strategy for the wrong country at the wrong time.

TRANSLATION-- As for me, I've the wrong stategy in the wrong country at the right time. That's because I'm smart.

BUSH--American leadership is indispensable to winning the war on terror. Ever since September the 11th, 2001, America has sounded a certain trumpet. America has led, many have joined, and America and the world are safer.

TRANSLATION----INCOMING!!!

BUSH-- He believes that instead of leading with confidence, America must submit to what he calls a global test.

TRANSLATION---If I had to pass a credibility test, I wouldn’t even be President.

BUSH--I'm not making that up. I was standing right here when he said it. As far as I can tell, that means our country must get permission from foreign capitals before we act in our own defense.

TRANSLATION—Of course I’m not known for keen observation and critical thinking, so he may have meant something like scrutinizing the reasons you give for going to war so that you don’t look like a liar 2 years later. But, that’s just a guess.

BUSH—I don't see much diplomatic skill in Senator Kerry's habit of insulting America's closest friends. He's called the countries serving alongside us in Iraq -- "a trumped up coalition of the bribed, the coerced, the bought, and the extorted."

TRANSLATION—What does he mean by “trumped up”? We paid good money for that support. And don’t forget Poland.

BUSH--We are witnessing big and hopeful events. Yet, my opponent refuses to see them. I believe that people across the Middle East are weary of poverty and oppression.

TRANSLATION—Hey, I just got endorsed by Iran!

BUSH-- It's fair to say that consistency has not been his strong point. Senator Kerry -- Senator Kerry says that we are better off with Saddam Hussein out of power, except when he declares that removing Saddam made us less safe.

TRANSLATION— Imagine the gullibility of someone who thinks that in the slums of Fallujah there might be a worst tyrant than Hussein.

BUSH-- Now my opponent is throwing out the wild claim that he knows where bin Laden was in the fall of and that our military had a chance to get him in Tora Bora. This is an unjustified and harsh criticism of our military commanders in the field.

TRANSLATION--By the way, these are the same field commanders who assembled those troops at Tora Bora on my orders and stayed put not to hack off Pakistan.

BUSH-- And he voted against many of the weapons systems critical to our defense build- History has shown that Senator Kerry was wrong, and President Reagan was right.

TRANSLATION---And history also shows Reagan selling arms to Iran, and funding an illegal insurgency in Nicaragua but nobody remembers that either.

BUSH--Senator Kerry has turned his back on "pay any price" and "bear any burden." And he has replaced those commitments with "wait and see," and "cut and run."

TRANSLATION—I, on the other hand, have replaced “skillful execution” with “gross underestimation.”