Desperate Housewife Attempts to Disrupt Monday Night Football

Less than a week after wimping out of Saving Private Ryan for fear of offending viewers, ABC defiantly stormed back with a controversial skit at the opening of Monday’s Eagles-Cowboys game. The segment consisted of Desperate Housewives cast member Nicollette Sheridan wearing only a towel and attempting to seduce Philadelphia receiver Terrell Owens. Failing to find a suitable way to blame Janet Jackson for the debacle, the NFL quickly apologized.

''ABC's opening was inappropriate and unsuitable for our Monday Night Football audience,'' the NFL said in a statement. ``While ABC may have gained attention for one of its other shows, the NFL and its fans lost.'' In promoting the Desperate Housewives segment while leaving Private Ryan blowing in the wind, ABC demonstrated that use of the F-word in a war scenario is improper, while actually doing it before a football game isn’t.

''We have heard from many of our viewers about last night's opening segment,'' ABC said in a statement. ''We agree the placement was inappropriate.'' ABC spokesman Mark Mandel said the segment was a ''collaborative effort'' by several ABC employees. These employees were unavailable for comment as they were busy posting resumes and scripting the F-word into their job descriptions.

Many complaints weren’t with regard to the risqué nature of the segment, but the banality. “I wasn’t so much upset about the sexual content. It’s just…well, it kind of sucked!” one viewer complained on Howard Stern’s radio show, just before being fined by the FCC for using the S-word. Stern’s on-air reply drew another $250,000 in fines. An NFL spokesman doesn't believe Monday's incident will affect ABC's chances of retaining Monday Night Football rights past the 2005 season. But others see ABC’s future with the NFL as “All But Canceled”.

FCC Chairman Michael Powell weighed in on the incident with, "I wonder if Walt Disney would be proud," apparently alluding to the fact that ABC is owned by The Walt Disney Co. Mr. Powell, however, had no comment about the same moral values that elected a president pertaining to the entertainment industry.

Meanwhile, Private Ryan is still missing in action as the producer of the popular adulterous housewives ponders a spin-off series, Saving Ryan’s Privates. “It’s a hospital drama about desperate nurses,” said executive producer Marc Cherry. The pilot episode reputedly guest stars “Wild Thing” from the popular Viagra commercial being admitted for a stroke, visual defects, cardiac arrest and prolonged erection.