George W. Bush's Address on the Economic Bail-Out: TRANSLATED

Following is a transcript of President George W. Bush's address to the nation Wednesday, September 25, 2008 evening, as recorded by CQ Transcriptions:

BUSH: Good evening. This is an extraordinary period for America's economy.
TRANSLATION: Howdy, ya’ll. As I’m sure you realize, we’re more screwed than Clay Aiken at a Klan rally.

BUSH: We've seen triple-digit swings in the stock market. Major financial institutions have teetered on the edge of collapse, and some have failed.
TRANSLATION: This makes my daddy’s Savings and Loan Crisis seem like the good ole days.

BUSH: So I propose that the federal government reduce the risk posed by these troubled assets and supply urgently needed money so banks and other financial institutions can avoid collapse and resume lending.
TRANSLATION: I’m giving hobos top hats and monocles. Now they're investment bankers instead of panhandlers.

BUSH: I know many Americans have questions tonight: How did we reach this point in our economy? How will the solution I propose work? And what does this mean for your financial future?
TRANSLATION: I know what you’re thinking: Dude, where’s my money??????

BUSH: Well, most economists agree that the problems we're witnessing today developed over a long period of time. For more than a decade, a massive amount of money flowed into the United States from investors abroad because our country is an attractive and secure place to do business.
TRANSLATION: Let’s pretend you have massive gambling debts then lose your job...

BUSH: Unfortunately, there were also some serious negative consequences, particularly in the housing market. Easy credit, combined with the faulty assumption that home values would continue to rise, led to excesses and bad decisions.
TRANSLATION: Remember that Dot Com Bust? You don’t? Great, wanna buy a house?

BUSH: Borrowers with adjustable-rate mortgages, who had been planning to sell or refinance their homes at a higher price, were stuck with homes worth less than expected, along with mortgage payments they could not afford.
TRANSLATION: It’s kind of hard to sell a Hummer during a gas shortage anyway, so you may as well live in it.

BUSH: Other banks found themselves in severe financial trouble. These banks began holding on to their money, and lending dried up, and the gears of the American financial system began grinding to a halt.
TRANSLATION: Think of a 1965 Plymouth Fury III barreling down the highway at 125 mph with no oil. Now slam that puppy into reverse.

BUSH: I'm a strong believer in free enterprise, so my natural instinct is to oppose government intervention. I believe companies that make bad decisions should be allowed to go out of business. Under normal circumstances, I would have followed this course.
TRANSLATION: I guess that makes me a financial Darwinist...D’OH! Damn, that’s not going to play well with the evangelicals.

BUSH: The government's top economic experts warn that, without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would unfold.
TRANSLATION: GAH! Rich people with “Will Work for Food” signs!

BUSH: There is a spirit of cooperation between Democrats and Republicans and between Congress and this administration. In that spirit, I've invited Senators McCain and Obama to join congressional leaders of both parties at the White House tomorrow to help speed our discussions toward a bipartisan bill.
TRANSLATION: In the long run, McCain or Obama will get blamed for all this anyway, so they may as well hit the ground running.

BUSH: I also understand the frustration of responsible Americans who pay their mortgages on time, file their tax returns every April 15th, and are reluctant to pay the cost of excesses on Wall Street.
TRANSLATION: Yeah, I heard the collective, “Aw HELL Naw!” coming from main street America!

BUSH: Recently, we've seen how one company can grow so large that its failure jeopardizes the entire financial system.
TRANSLATION: Pretend Shaq is a company, Mary-Kate Olsen is a financial institution, and they’ve mutually agreed to a discrete “financial transaction”...

BUSH: For example, the Federal Reserve would be authorized to take a closer look at the operations of companies across the financial spectrum and ensure that their practices do not threaten overall financial stability.
TRANSLATION: ...so what happened is The Federal Reserve initially ignored the screaming of the distressed financial sector being ripped apart by the massive influx of Shaq’s debt...

BUSH: In the long run, Americans have good reason to be confident in our economic strength. Despite corrections in the marketplace and instances of abuse, democratic capitalism is the best system ever devised.
TRANSLATION: Quit bitching, peasants!

BUSH: Our economy is facing a moment of great challenge, but we've overcome tough challenges before, and we will overcome this one.
TRANSLATION: You survived 8 years of me, didn’t you?

BUSH: Thank you for listening. May God bless you.
TRANSLATION: God help us all!