Alan Greenspan’s Speech To Wharton Business School Grads: Translated

This translation of Chairman Alan Greenspan’s speech to Wharton business school graduates has been sanitized for your protection.

Greenspan: I have more in common with you graduates than people might think. After all, before long, after my term at the Federal Reserve comes to an end, I too will be looking for a job.

Translation: Unlike most of you overly indebted graduates, I’ll probably get one.

Greenspan: You are being bequeathed the tools for creating a material existence that neither my generation nor any that preceded it could have even remotely imagined as we began our life's work.

Translation: So don’t f**k it up, Bozos!

Greenspan: The creative abilities of this graduating class and those of your contemporaries will determine the magnitude and extent of American prosperity in this century.

Translation: Oh, we are so screwed.

Greenspan: You will doubtless foster advances in science, engineering, and business management.

Translation: However, given that a large number of you clowns got into this business school by cheating your asses off, you’ll probably be lucky to even have a grasp the PREVIOUS advances.

Greenspan: Of necessity, therefore, in virtually all our transactions, whether with customers or with colleagues, with friends or with strangers, we rely on the word of those with whom we do business.

Translation: Bwaa, ha, ha, haaaa! Just joking!

Greenspan: Yet, if even a small fraction of legally binding transactions required adjudication, our court systems would be swamped into immobility, and a rule of law would be unenforceable.

Translation: Nice trick, eh?

Greenspan: Moreover, even when followed to the letter, laws guide only a few of the day-to-day decisions required of business and financial managers. The rest are governed by whatever personal code of values market participants bring to the table.

Translation: So be careful when negotiating with organized crime, kiddos.

Greenspan: Trillions of dollars of assets are priced and traded daily in our financial markets.

Translation: And if the market bust of the late 90’s teaches us anything, these trillions of dollars will soon be worth only a fraction of their book value!

Greenspan: In such an environment, a reputation for honest dealing, which many feared was in short supply, was particularly valued.

Translation: It’s much easier to manipulate an honest man than a dirty, rotten scoundrel.

Greenspan: Even those inclined to be less than scrupulous in their personal dealings had to adhere to a more ethical standard in their market transactions, or they risked being driven out of business.

Translation: Imagine how crooked Kenny Lay would be if we didn’t have standards of conduct.

Greenspan: Indeed, we could not have achieved our current level of national productivity if ethical behavior had not been the norm or if corporate governance had been deeply flawed.

Translation: Let’s forget all about the Robber Barons and monopolies of the early 20th century and present day pension defaults.

Greenspan: But recent corporate scandals in the United States and elsewhere have clearly shown that the plethora of laws and regulations of the past century have not eliminated the less-savory side of human behavior.

Translation: Which brings me to the subject of harassment and psychological torture as a tool to minimize major outbreaks of ethical behavior.

Greenspan: Arguably, with information systems now accessible to broader ranges of managers and other employees, the monopoly power that proprietary information affords has been significantly reduced.

Translation: In response to greater information accessibility, the capacity to obfuscate and confuse suddenly becomes of paramount importance.

Greenspan: It seems clear that, if the CEO chooses, he or she can, by example and through oversight, induce corporate colleagues and outside auditors to behave ethically.

Translation: Yeah right, and monkeys might fly out my butt, too.

Greenspan: Companies run by people with high ethical standards arguably do not need detailed rules on how to act in the long-run interest of shareholders and, presumably, themselves.

Translation: Which is EXACTLY why we need detailed rules.

Greenspan: Rules exist to govern behavior, but rules cannot substitute for character.

Translation: That’s what money is for.

Greenspan: It is decidedly not true that "nice guys finish last," as that highly original American baseball philosopher Leo Durocher was once alleged to have said.

Translation: Hell, we don’t even let the nice guys in the game.

Greenspan: I do not deny that many appear to have succeeded in a material way by cutting corners and manipulating associates, both in their professional and in their personal lives.

Translation: I mean, who am I to argue with success?

Greenspan: But material success is possible in this world, and far more satisfying, when it comes without exploiting others.

Translation: But, making others bow and scrape to appease your every whim….that’s priceless.

Greenspan: Our system works fundamentally on trust and individual fair dealing.

Translation: Gotcha again! What did I tell you about too much trust?

Greenspan: Prejudice of whatever stripe is unworthy of a society built on individual merit.

Translation: Hey! Who let those freaking Democrats in here?

Greenspan: Our forefathers bestowed upon us a system of government and a culture of enterprise that have propelled the United States to the greatest material prosperity the world has ever experienced.

Translation: But, given the rise of the Euro and increased dependence on foreign sources of oil, not to mention the exportation of jobs in steel and manufacturing abroad, we may well find our selves up the proverbial creek in a boat made in Mexico, paddle not include.

Greenspan: I offer you all my congratulations and wish you success in your chosen careers.

Translation: So long and good luck in this difficult economy, suckers!