Seven Common Excuses for Job Termination: TRANSLATED

Face it. No one likes to be terminated from a job. Even a BAD job. But to add insult to injury, the firing manager frequently isn't even honest about why you are being fired. Below are seven common reasons given for termination, translated. Just so you know what REALLY happened.


1)    "You are not a good fit with the Company"

TRANSLATION: "You are not the right sex, race, creed, religion or sexual orientation to fit in around here!"


2) "Your work performance is substandard."

TRANSLATION:  "Actually, my work is substandard but I'm blaming you!"


 3)   "Your work attendance is problematic."

TRANSLATION:  "Even though poor planning on my part forces you to work long hours, having walking pneumonia is no excuse for missing work."

4) "Your working relationships with your co-workers is strained."

TRANSLATION: "In spite of the overt bullying by your co-workers, you persist in not just quitting."


5) " We are downsizing the department."

TRANSLATION:  "We are scared shitless that you'll sue us for screwing you over like this."


6) " Your skill-set is not sufficient for this job."

TRANSLATION: "You just keep on refusing to have sex with me!"

7) "You do not respond well to correction."

TRANSLATION: "After months of riding your ass like an army mule, we're afraid a crazy son-of-a-bitch like you might come to work packing heat!"

Ghost of Johnny Carson Heckles Jay Leno

After dispatching Conan O’Brien from the helm of “The Tonight Show”, Jay Leno returned triumphant this week, only to be confronted by the heckling ghost of Johnny Carson. Appearing nightly during Leno’s monolog, the apparition is obviously taking a toll on Leno’s timing, not that Leno’s timing was that tight to begin with. Stage hands on the set claim not only to have seen Carson’s ghostly form, but heard his quips, too. “Even dead and pissed off, he’s funnier than Leno,” said one “Tonight Show” employee, who preferred to remain anonymous rather than face Leno’s petulant fury.

The first night Leno returned, Carson’s ghost apparently remained mostly silent, occasionally swinging an imaginary golf club at Leno's groin. But the second night, Johnny brought not only his old desk, but his old side-kick, Ed McMahon with an attitude to the party. Laughing and joking in the netherworld just off-stage, Johnny apparently had some shrewd observations, most of them at the expense of Leno.

Ghost of Carson: “And heeeerrrre’s Leno, a man whose chin size is only exceeded by the size of his ego.”

Ghost of McMahon: ‘‘Yuk, Yuk, Yuk…”

Carson: “I’ve heard fresher material in Purgatory. What did you do, steal that joke off of a dead hobo with no sense of humor?”

Leno: “Hey, I can hear you over here!”

Carson: “That’s good, that’s good. And since you can see dead things, too, I want to introduce my first guest: YOUR CAREER!”

McMahon: “Yoooooooo!”

Leno: “That does it! I’m getting an exorcist.”

Carson: “NBC already tried that, but then you made Conan jump out a window and came back.”

McMahon: “Heh! He’s baaaaaack!”

Apparently, Carson’s quips were not limited just to Leno and his guest Sarah Palin wasn’t spared the barbs during her stand up act.

Carson: “ Hey! Hey, Sarah! Sarah!! If you ever wonder if those jeans make your ass look fat, the answer is YES!”

McMahon: “Yo, put down the Moon Pies, bitch, and back away!”

Carson: “Normally, I’d just say, ‘You suck,’ but knowing you, you’d probably think it was a sexual come on.”

McMahon: "Either that or how you got nominated."

Carson: "Dammit, Ed, just stick with the guffawing and leave the jokes to me, OK?"

The Ghost of Johnny Carson, speaking via Ouija Board, promised to haunt “The Tonight Show” until Leno finds another line of work. “I’d suggest something in fast food, because like his stand up, it’s stale, bland and over-priced.”

TRANSLATION of excerpts from President Obama’s April 16, 2009 JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE WITH PRESIDENT FELIPE CALDERÓN OF MEXICO in Mexico City, Mexico.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I want to begin by thanking the people of Mexico for their gracious welcome. And I want to thank President Calderón for the hospitality he has shown as a host.
TRANSLATION: The Mariachi band got to be a little annoying at 4:00 a.m., so I had the Secret Service take ‘em out.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: You know, this is my first trip to Mexico as President, and I see this visit -- as I know President Calderón does -- as an opportunity to launch a new era of cooperation and partnership between our two nations, an era built on an even firmer foundation of mutual responsibility and mutual respect and mutual interest.
TRANSLATION: Yo, make that dude play “Hotel California” on the leaf blower again.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: We also discussed what our nations can do to help bring a clean energy future to both countries. This is a priority for the United States. I know it's a priority for President Calderón.
TRANSLATION: Given the overall impoverished population, the economy’s dependence on producing oil and gas, plus the open sewers running down the middle of some streets, I’m sure I’ll get a bigger applause if I just scream, ‘SEPTIC SYSTEMS FOR EVERYBODY!!!’

PRESIDENT OBAMA: It's difficult to overstate the depth of the ties between our two nations or the extraordinary importance of our relationship. It's obviously a simple fact of geography that we share a border, and we've always been bound together because of that geography.
TRANSLATION: We’re like Conjoined Twins trying to tap-dance to Salsa-Rap fusion.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: And I'm committed to working with President Calderón to promote the kind of bottom-up economic growth here in Mexico that will allow people to live out their dreams here, and as a consequence will relieve some of the pressures that we've seen along the borders.
TRANSLATION: I’m teaching President Calderón how to bend the Mexican taxpayer over like we did the U.S. taxpayer with this bail-out.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: And I want to commend him for the work that he's already made in cutting greenhouse gas emissions, the commitment that he's made even though Mexico is not required to do so under the Kyoto Protocol.
TRANSLATION: Who knew you could cure global warming by turning cows into fajitas?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: A demand for these drugs in the United States is what is helping to keep these cartels in business.
TRANSLATION: Cut back on the stems and seeds and pick up the pace before we start buying from Bolivia.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: This war is being waged with guns purchased not here, but in the United States. More than 90 percent of the guns recovered in Mexico come from the United States, many from gun shops that line our shared border.
TRANSLATION: Which reminds me, you still owe us for two dozen grenade launchers.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Now, as we discussed in our meeting, destroying and disrupting the cartels will require more than aggressive efforts from each of our nations.
TRANSLATION: This is the part of the movie where we DANCE.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yesterday, I designated three cartels as Significant Foreign Narcotics Drug Traffickers under U.S. law, clearing the way for our Treasury Department, working together with Mexico to freeze their assets and subject them to sanctions.
TRANSLATION: Um…you might want to stay out of Mexico for a few weeks.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: It will not be easy, but I am confident that if we continue to act, as we have today, in a spirit of mutual responsibility and friendship, we will prevail on behalf of our common security and our common prosperity.
TRANSLATION: GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAL!

PRESIDENT OBAMA: So I think that this is building on previous meetings that we've had. In each interaction, the bond between our governments is growing stronger. I am confident that we're going to make tremendous progress in the future. Thank you.
TRANSLATION: Hey, half the audience just sneaked across the border, didn’t it?

George W. Bush's Address on the Economic Bail-Out: TRANSLATED

Following is a transcript of President George W. Bush's address to the nation Wednesday, September 25, 2008 evening, as recorded by CQ Transcriptions:

BUSH: Good evening. This is an extraordinary period for America's economy.
TRANSLATION: Howdy, ya’ll. As I’m sure you realize, we’re more screwed than Clay Aiken at a Klan rally.

BUSH: We've seen triple-digit swings in the stock market. Major financial institutions have teetered on the edge of collapse, and some have failed.
TRANSLATION: This makes my daddy’s Savings and Loan Crisis seem like the good ole days.

BUSH: So I propose that the federal government reduce the risk posed by these troubled assets and supply urgently needed money so banks and other financial institutions can avoid collapse and resume lending.
TRANSLATION: I’m giving hobos top hats and monocles. Now they're investment bankers instead of panhandlers.

BUSH: I know many Americans have questions tonight: How did we reach this point in our economy? How will the solution I propose work? And what does this mean for your financial future?
TRANSLATION: I know what you’re thinking: Dude, where’s my money??????

BUSH: Well, most economists agree that the problems we're witnessing today developed over a long period of time. For more than a decade, a massive amount of money flowed into the United States from investors abroad because our country is an attractive and secure place to do business.
TRANSLATION: Let’s pretend you have massive gambling debts then lose your job...

BUSH: Unfortunately, there were also some serious negative consequences, particularly in the housing market. Easy credit, combined with the faulty assumption that home values would continue to rise, led to excesses and bad decisions.
TRANSLATION: Remember that Dot Com Bust? You don’t? Great, wanna buy a house?

BUSH: Borrowers with adjustable-rate mortgages, who had been planning to sell or refinance their homes at a higher price, were stuck with homes worth less than expected, along with mortgage payments they could not afford.
TRANSLATION: It’s kind of hard to sell a Hummer during a gas shortage anyway, so you may as well live in it.

BUSH: Other banks found themselves in severe financial trouble. These banks began holding on to their money, and lending dried up, and the gears of the American financial system began grinding to a halt.
TRANSLATION: Think of a 1965 Plymouth Fury III barreling down the highway at 125 mph with no oil. Now slam that puppy into reverse.

BUSH: I'm a strong believer in free enterprise, so my natural instinct is to oppose government intervention. I believe companies that make bad decisions should be allowed to go out of business. Under normal circumstances, I would have followed this course.
TRANSLATION: I guess that makes me a financial Darwinist...D’OH! Damn, that’s not going to play well with the evangelicals.

BUSH: The government's top economic experts warn that, without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would unfold.
TRANSLATION: GAH! Rich people with “Will Work for Food” signs!

BUSH: There is a spirit of cooperation between Democrats and Republicans and between Congress and this administration. In that spirit, I've invited Senators McCain and Obama to join congressional leaders of both parties at the White House tomorrow to help speed our discussions toward a bipartisan bill.
TRANSLATION: In the long run, McCain or Obama will get blamed for all this anyway, so they may as well hit the ground running.

BUSH: I also understand the frustration of responsible Americans who pay their mortgages on time, file their tax returns every April 15th, and are reluctant to pay the cost of excesses on Wall Street.
TRANSLATION: Yeah, I heard the collective, “Aw HELL Naw!” coming from main street America!

BUSH: Recently, we've seen how one company can grow so large that its failure jeopardizes the entire financial system.
TRANSLATION: Pretend Shaq is a company, Mary-Kate Olsen is a financial institution, and they’ve mutually agreed to a discrete “financial transaction”...

BUSH: For example, the Federal Reserve would be authorized to take a closer look at the operations of companies across the financial spectrum and ensure that their practices do not threaten overall financial stability.
TRANSLATION: ...so what happened is The Federal Reserve initially ignored the screaming of the distressed financial sector being ripped apart by the massive influx of Shaq’s debt...

BUSH: In the long run, Americans have good reason to be confident in our economic strength. Despite corrections in the marketplace and instances of abuse, democratic capitalism is the best system ever devised.
TRANSLATION: Quit bitching, peasants!

BUSH: Our economy is facing a moment of great challenge, but we've overcome tough challenges before, and we will overcome this one.
TRANSLATION: You survived 8 years of me, didn’t you?

BUSH: Thank you for listening. May God bless you.
TRANSLATION: God help us all!

John McCain: Translated in Iowa

John McCain is a maverick…in the same vein as the mid-sized Ford from the 1970’s. It was rumored to be a mustang replacement that never lived up to its hype, got awful gas mileage but for a brief while it was quite popular. With a little more than a month left until the election, McCain is trying to get some traction on the rain slick campaign trail. Translated are remarks McCain made 18 September 2008 at a rally in Iowa. If McCain’s campaign had a theme song, it would be “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel:


I am just a poor boy and my story’s seldom told. I’ve squandered my resistance for a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises. All lies and jest, still the man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest, hmmmm…

McCain: "The regulators were asleep, my friends. The chairman of the SEC serves at the appointment of the president. And in my view has betrayed the public trust. If I were president today, I would fire him."
TRANSLATION: “I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers, consultin' with the rain. And my head I'd be scratchin' while my thoughts were busy hatchin' If I only had a brain.!”

McCain: "My opponent sees an economic crisis as a political opportunity instead of an opportunity to lead."
TRANSLATION: “We’re up to our armpits in political opportunities these days.”

McCain: “While Sen. Obama was lining his pockets with campaign contributors, he didn’t lift a finger.”
TRANSLATION: “Is that a campaign contributor in your pocket, Obama, or are you just happy to see my meltdown!?”

McCain: "Banks and brokers took on huge amounts of debt and they hid the riskiest of all investments."
TRANSLATION: “ENOUGH QUESTIONS ABOUT PALIN! ”

Sean Combs: TRANSLATED

If you recall 2004's "Vote or Die" campaign, this is really going to kill you! Diddy does it again, asking McCain to explain what's on his brain. Inane disdain with no net gain...

Diddy: "Attention John McCain, attention John McCain, my name is Diddy…I had to check in with you to tell you that you are bugging the f--- out. I don't even understand what planet you're on right now.! This is the job to be the leader of the free world.

Translation: “Mr. John McCain, it’s me Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy and “just” Diddy. So ponder for a moment how confusing your vice-Presidential selection is for a person like me who can’t even select a moniker that makes sense.”

Diddy: "Ok, no disrespect. I love you. I want you to live to be 110, but things happen. What if, God forbid, you got a running mate, you become president -- Alaska? Alaska? Alaska? Alaska? Come on, man. I don’t know if there's any black people in Alaska.

Translation: “I know you’d think a person with my millions of dollars would have traveled more extensively and have sense enough not to disrespect Eskimos and that black dude that lives in Alaska.”

Diddy: "John, like, come on! Sarah Palin? Yo, if you really think that we're gonna let you win this election with these, like, crazy, these crazy decisions that you're making, you're buggin'. "

Translation: “You’re bugging worst than I was that night I thought J. Lo’s ass was a Siamese twin. “

Chris Wallace: TRANSLATED

The following is from a partial transcript of the Aug. 17, 2008, edition of "FOX News Sunday With Chris Wallace" interviewing Governor of Pennsylvania, Tom Ridge and Senator Claire McCaskill. Presented is a TRANSLATION of Wallace’s questions only:

WALLACE: "And both of you, welcome back to ‘FOX News Sunday’.
TRANSLATION: "Came back for more, eh?"

WALLACE: McCain now says that Russia must, quote, "pay a price for its actions". Specifically, what would President McCain do?
TRANSLATION: If McCain is all tied up at "The Gates of Hell" following Al Qaeda, when’s he going to have any time in this sphere of existence?

WALLACE: Senator McCaskill, one of Obama's top foreign policy advisers, Susan Rice, went after McCain this week, and let's take a look at what she had to say. "John McCain shot from the hip a very aggressive, very belligerent statement. He may or may not have complicated the situation."
Senator, how did McCain complicate the situation? Or was he just quicker than Obama to understand and recognize Russian aggression?
TRANSLATION: I know what you’re thinking. Did he ask three questions or only two. Before you answer, you have to ask yourself, "Do I feel lucky"?

WALLACE: But I mean, excuse me. But I mean, it was Susan Rice who was making political points, Obama's top foreign policy adviser.
TRANSLATION: Hey, pay attention, OK?

WALLACE: Senator McCaskill, I just want to pick up on the first part of your statement. Are you suggesting that somehow John McCain undercut President Bush and Secretary of State Rice?
TRANSLATION: "Say it. SAY IT!

WALLACE: Wait. Wait, Senator, let me let Tom Ridge in here.
TRANSLATION: You want a piece of this?

WALLACE: All right.
TRANSLATION: Shut the f**k up!

WALLACE: Let's move off this.
TRANSLATION: I said shut the f**k up!!
.
WALLACE: And to answer my question specifically, do you think the Republican Party would accept a pro-choice running mate?
TRANSLATION: Well, do ya punk?

WALLACE: Now, I just want to follow up one more time on this. The last time you were here, we talked about your pro-choice views.
TRANSLATION: Here, hold this bomb.

WALLACE: And here's what you had to say.
TRANSLATION: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!

WALLACE: Governor, have you talked with McCain about your pro-choice views on abortion and whether you would follow his pro-life views if you were to become his running mate?
TRANSLATION: Clean up on aisle five.

WALLACE: Senator McCaskill, the big news from Democrats this week is that after giving Hillary Clinton a speaking role on Tuesday night and Bill Clinton a speaking role on Wednesday night, now Hillary Clinton's going to get her name placed in nomination and to have a roll call.
Question: Is that the way President Obama would negotiate, to just keep caving in?
TRANSLATION: Hey, I just called your baby ugly. You gonna take that?

WALLACE: Senator, do you really think that a roll call vote is going to satisfy those Clinton supporters who are still, a couple of months after the fact — still unhappy and bitter about her defeat? Do you really think they're going to settle for the pageant of a roll call?

TRANSLATION: Aw c’mon! Are you serious?

WALLACE: All right.
TRANSLATION: OK, you can quit talking now.

WALLACE: We're going to have to leave it there.
TRANSLATION: Look, am I going to have to gag you?

WALLACE: Governor Ridge, Senator McCaskill, I want to thank you both for talking with us today. And we'll see you both at your conventions.
TRANSLATION: I know where you live!

John Edwards Interview With Bob Woodruff: TRANSLATED

The following excerpts are from an interview by ABC News' Bob Woodruff of former Sen. John Edwards for ABC News "Nightline" on Aug. 8, 2008. Concise translation of Edwards’ verbose, long-winded obfuscations by Marshall Dunn.

JOHN EDWARDS: In 2006 2 years ago, I made a very serious mistake. A mistake that I am responsible for and no one else. In 2006 I told Elizabeth about the mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, asked God for his forgiveness. And we have kept this within our family since that time. All of my family knows about this and just to be absolutely clear, none of them are responsible for it. I am responsible for it. I alone am responsible for it. And it led to this most recent incident at the Beverly Hilton. I was at the Beverly Hilton. I was there for a very simple reason, because I was trying to keep this mistake that I had made from becoming public.

TRANSLATION: Yep, I did her like a rock star.

JOHN EDWARDS: Oh yes, it's been over for a long time.

TRANSLATION: It was over after the Enquirer got wind of it.

JOHN EDWARDS: Well, here's the way I feel about this Bob. I think that my family is entitled to every detail. They've been told every detail. Elizabeth knows absolutely everything. I think beyond the basics, the fact that I made this mistake and I'm responsible for it and no one else. I think that's where it stops in terms of the public because I think everything else is within my family and those privacy boundaries ought to be respected.

TRANSLATION: In order to further skirt the issue and escape responsibility for my actions, I am eloquently requesting you not talk about this anymore. Hey, look over there, it’s that philandering McCain.

EDWARDS: I'm in love with one woman. I've been in love with one woman for 31 years. She is the finest human being I have ever known. And the fact that she is with me after this having happened is a testament to the kind of woman and the kind of human being she is. There is a deep and abiding love that exists between Elizabeth and myself. It's always been there, it in my judgment has never gone away.

TRANSLATION: My wife is a very decent person. As for me, I’m more two-faced than Harvey Dent.

EDWARDS: Here's what, can I explain to you what happened? First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer, that's no excuse in any possible way for what happened. This is what happened. It's what happened with me and I think happens unfortunately more often sometimes with other people.& Ego. Self-focus, self-importance. Now, I was slapped down to the ground when my son Wade died in 1996, in April of 1996. But then after that I ran for the senate and I got elected to the Senate and here we go again, it's the same old thing again. Adulation, respect, admiration. Then I went from being a senator, a young senator to being considered for vice president, running for president, being a vice presidential candidate and becoming a national public figure. All of which fed a self-focus, an egotism, a narcissism that leads you to believe that you can do whatever you want. You're invincible. And there will be no consequences. And nothing, nothing could be further from the truth.

TRANSLATION: I was born a poor, black child on the Mississippi Delta in the summer of 1953…wait a minute, that’s the wrong speech. Ah, here it is….I was a privileged, rich prick on the prowl…what the fu--? Hey, Elisabeth, that’s not funny!

EDWARDS: It was a huge judgment, mistake in judgment. But yeah, I didn't think anyone would ever know about it. I didn't. And the important thing is, how could I ever get to the place, to that place and allow myself to let that happen?

TRANSLATION: I’d never been caught before that’s how!

EDWARDS: Oh it was way before. This was in 2006. I decided, it was clear to me very quickly after this happened that I had to tell her that I loved her, she was central to my life, she had to know it and it was painful for her. Hard and painful for her, but she responded exactly like the kind of woman she is. And then she forgave me and we went to work on it. I'm not saying she thought it was okay, I'm not saying that, but she did forgive me. Listen, she understands what I understand which is that I am imperfect and anybody, anybody watching this broadcast or who hears about this who wants to beat me up for this, they should have at it. The truth is you can't possibly beat me up more than I have already beaten myself up.

TRANSLATION: Please! Not in the face!

EDWARDS: Because I did not want the public to know what I had done. Fair and simple. And there's also a lot of these you know supermarket tabloid allegations are just lies, they're complete lies. But this, this mistake, is the truth.

TRANSLATION: There’s some truth in tabloids. I’ve been a fan of “The Weekly World News” since that alien dude endorsed me.

EDWARDS: She was mad, she was angry, I think furious would be a good way to describe it. She didn't understand. We both went through a process of trying to figure out how it happened, why it happened. But she was amazing, she's just an amazing person. Elizabeth and I have been married 31 years. The admiration she gets from the public is deserved and, but nobody can see -- Bob, you've been married a long time, nobody can see inside everybody's marriage. & This is not something Elizabeth did, this something I did. And I continue to love and admire her because she has just stood with me.

TRANSLATION: She could have divorced me, took all my money and left me wearing a barrel, so I begged like a prison bitch.

EDWARDS: I have not, I would welcome participating in a paternity test. Be happy to participate in one. I know that it's not possible that this child could be mine because of the timing of events, so I know it's not possible. Happy to take a paternity test, and would love to see it happen.

TRANSLATION: That baby is black. Must be McCain’s.

EDWARDS: I met her this last time when I was in California for the very purpose that you and I just spoke about.

TRANSLATION: She wouldn’t drink the Kool-Aid.

EDWARDS: I'm saying you asked me about this photograph, I don't know anything about that photograph, I don't know who that baby is. I don't know if the picture has been altered, manufactured, if it's a picture of me taken some other time, holding another baby -- I have no idea. I was not at this meeting holding a child for my photograph to be taken I can tell you that.

TRANSLATION: No sir, not my baby! Yes sir, I don’t mean maybe. No sir, that ain’t my baby now…

EDWARDS: Uh, this is what I can tell you. I've never paid a dime of money to any of the people that are involved. I've never asked anybody to pay a dime of money, never been told that any money's been paid. Nothing has been done at my request. So if the allegation is that somehow I participated in the payment of money -- that is a lie. An absolute lie, which is typical of these types of publications.

TRANSLATION: LIES! ALL LIES!!!

EDWARDS: I don't know. I told you just a moment ago, I know absolutely nothing about this.

TRANSLATION: More lies!!!!

EDWARDS: If you're talking about Fred Baron, I do know Fred Baron. I also know that Fred Baron knows both of these people who are involved and has worked with them for years. So he has the relationship with them independent of me. So what he chose to do or not do, I can't explain, he'll have to explain. I don't know what he did or why he did it. And what his reasons for, were, for doing it. Is it possible that he wanted to help them because they were in a difficult time? Of course. Is it possible that he was worried that in fact something had happened with me, and he wanted to help? Of course that's possible. I think all these things are possible.

TRANSLATION: It’s also possible a flying monkey wearing Fez and playing the Star Spangled Banner on the kazoo might fly out of my ass.

EDWARDS: I'm not sure I had a political career for the future anyway. I'm not sure that politics was what I wanted to spend my life doing.

TRANSLATION: I sure faked it good all these years, didn’t I?

EDWARDS: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I think our marriage will not only survive but be strong.

TRANSLATION: There’s nothing like a good old fashioned affair to make a marriage stronger.

EDWARDS: No. No. And again, I always said this to you, I don't think I'm going to go through the details of this, I already did it with Elizabeth-- uh, she [Ms. Hunter] was hired to come in and produce films and that's the reason she was hired.

TRANSLATION: I’ve had this dream of making porn films since college.

EDWARDS: I'm not a scientist -- I don't know what the various methods of proving it are but that's certainly one way to prove it. I mean I know right now it's not possible and she does too.

TRANSLATION: And if I were an engineer, I’d have known up front that an excuse like, “I tripped and fell and my di** accidentally got lodged in her vagina,” wouldn’t be credible.

Alan Greenspan’s Speech To Wharton Business School Grads: Translated

This translation of Chairman Alan Greenspan’s speech to Wharton business school graduates has been sanitized for your protection.

Greenspan: I have more in common with you graduates than people might think. After all, before long, after my term at the Federal Reserve comes to an end, I too will be looking for a job.

Translation: Unlike most of you overly indebted graduates, I’ll probably get one.

Greenspan: You are being bequeathed the tools for creating a material existence that neither my generation nor any that preceded it could have even remotely imagined as we began our life's work.

Translation: So don’t f**k it up, Bozos!

Greenspan: The creative abilities of this graduating class and those of your contemporaries will determine the magnitude and extent of American prosperity in this century.

Translation: Oh, we are so screwed.

Greenspan: You will doubtless foster advances in science, engineering, and business management.

Translation: However, given that a large number of you clowns got into this business school by cheating your asses off, you’ll probably be lucky to even have a grasp the PREVIOUS advances.

Greenspan: Of necessity, therefore, in virtually all our transactions, whether with customers or with colleagues, with friends or with strangers, we rely on the word of those with whom we do business.

Translation: Bwaa, ha, ha, haaaa! Just joking!

Greenspan: Yet, if even a small fraction of legally binding transactions required adjudication, our court systems would be swamped into immobility, and a rule of law would be unenforceable.

Translation: Nice trick, eh?

Greenspan: Moreover, even when followed to the letter, laws guide only a few of the day-to-day decisions required of business and financial managers. The rest are governed by whatever personal code of values market participants bring to the table.

Translation: So be careful when negotiating with organized crime, kiddos.

Greenspan: Trillions of dollars of assets are priced and traded daily in our financial markets.

Translation: And if the market bust of the late 90’s teaches us anything, these trillions of dollars will soon be worth only a fraction of their book value!

Greenspan: In such an environment, a reputation for honest dealing, which many feared was in short supply, was particularly valued.

Translation: It’s much easier to manipulate an honest man than a dirty, rotten scoundrel.

Greenspan: Even those inclined to be less than scrupulous in their personal dealings had to adhere to a more ethical standard in their market transactions, or they risked being driven out of business.

Translation: Imagine how crooked Kenny Lay would be if we didn’t have standards of conduct.

Greenspan: Indeed, we could not have achieved our current level of national productivity if ethical behavior had not been the norm or if corporate governance had been deeply flawed.

Translation: Let’s forget all about the Robber Barons and monopolies of the early 20th century and present day pension defaults.

Greenspan: But recent corporate scandals in the United States and elsewhere have clearly shown that the plethora of laws and regulations of the past century have not eliminated the less-savory side of human behavior.

Translation: Which brings me to the subject of harassment and psychological torture as a tool to minimize major outbreaks of ethical behavior.

Greenspan: Arguably, with information systems now accessible to broader ranges of managers and other employees, the monopoly power that proprietary information affords has been significantly reduced.

Translation: In response to greater information accessibility, the capacity to obfuscate and confuse suddenly becomes of paramount importance.

Greenspan: It seems clear that, if the CEO chooses, he or she can, by example and through oversight, induce corporate colleagues and outside auditors to behave ethically.

Translation: Yeah right, and monkeys might fly out my butt, too.

Greenspan: Companies run by people with high ethical standards arguably do not need detailed rules on how to act in the long-run interest of shareholders and, presumably, themselves.

Translation: Which is EXACTLY why we need detailed rules.

Greenspan: Rules exist to govern behavior, but rules cannot substitute for character.

Translation: That’s what money is for.

Greenspan: It is decidedly not true that "nice guys finish last," as that highly original American baseball philosopher Leo Durocher was once alleged to have said.

Translation: Hell, we don’t even let the nice guys in the game.

Greenspan: I do not deny that many appear to have succeeded in a material way by cutting corners and manipulating associates, both in their professional and in their personal lives.

Translation: I mean, who am I to argue with success?

Greenspan: But material success is possible in this world, and far more satisfying, when it comes without exploiting others.

Translation: But, making others bow and scrape to appease your every whim….that’s priceless.

Greenspan: Our system works fundamentally on trust and individual fair dealing.

Translation: Gotcha again! What did I tell you about too much trust?

Greenspan: Prejudice of whatever stripe is unworthy of a society built on individual merit.

Translation: Hey! Who let those freaking Democrats in here?

Greenspan: Our forefathers bestowed upon us a system of government and a culture of enterprise that have propelled the United States to the greatest material prosperity the world has ever experienced.

Translation: But, given the rise of the Euro and increased dependence on foreign sources of oil, not to mention the exportation of jobs in steel and manufacturing abroad, we may well find our selves up the proverbial creek in a boat made in Mexico, paddle not include.

Greenspan: I offer you all my congratulations and wish you success in your chosen careers.

Translation: So long and good luck in this difficult economy, suckers!

Translation of Alan Greenspan Singing The Blues About Social Security

Classic crooner Alan Greenspan, famous for such hits as “The Fat Cat Tax Cut Shuffle” and “There Ain’t No Mo Money Fo U Blues” appeared for a one night only performance at the Senate Special Committee on Aging.

Even though you couldn’t be there, you can enjoy Greenspan’s erudite enunciation and eloquent extrapolation on this newly released 2 CD set entitled: “Greenspan: Oops! I’m Translated Again”.

Greenspan: We were confronted at the time with an almost universal expectation amongst experts that we were dealing with a very large surplus for which there seemed to be no end.

Translation: Ok, we were spending Clinton’s surplus like drunken sailors on shore leave, but that youthful indiscretion is all behind us now.

Greenspan: I look back and I would say to you, if confronted with the same evidence we had back then, I would recommend exactly what I recommended then.

Translation: Sure, I’d do the same wrong thing all over again if that’s what it took to keep my fuddy-duddy job.

Greenspan: Turns out we were all wrong.

Translation: Woo Hoo!! That’s how you get promoted in this Administration.

Greenspan: Increasing labor-force participation seems a natural response to population aging, as Americans are not only living longer but are also generally living healthier.

Translation: Unfortunately, that’s what happens when you take disease and famine out of the equation.

Greenspan: This is not a hugely difficult problem to solve.

Translation: We can easily expedite a significant decline in the number of people drawing social security by reducing their corresponding medical benefits, effectively offsetting rising expenses. Oops, did I say that out loud?

Greenspan: And I guess what is missing is the fact that at this stage there has been a rather low interest in actually joining, in finding out where some of the agreements are, and I have a suspicion that when that occurs, that will happen.

Translation: While it may appear that I’ve actually said something positive, this passage will ultimately remain vague and untranslatable.

Greenspan: It may well be that some mechanism such as that which we employed in 1983 may be a useful mechanism to get groups together and find out where there are agreements.

Translation: We would call on the same experts we used then, but unfortunately they’re all retired.

Greenspan: We need, in effect, to make the phantom 'lockboxes' around the trust fund real.

Translation: Yeah, I’ll bet you wish you had Gore and his proverbial lockbox now, suckers!

Greenspan: And something has got to give soon because we don't have the choice of not resolving this issue.

Translation: If you think old people are cranky now just wait until we tell them we spent all their social security money on the spread of democracy.

Greenspan: Extending labor-force participation by just a few years could have a sizable impact on economic output.

Translation: Work or die! Our entire economy depends on you!

THUMP’D!

Bobby Brown Brings His Own Personal Style of Mayhem To Television


Master Prankster and Bad Boy Bobby Brown sets up other celebrity pranksters to get whacked like pinatas in this season’s newest and funniest reality show Thump’d. Tired of seeing people with too much time on their hands getting together with people with too many cameras and setting someone else up for ridicule? Well, this is the show that turns all that B.S. right on it’s ear!

Bobby Brown sets these fake friends up to get the practical joke bug beat right out of them by going overboard on the prank they’re in on and turning the finger right where it belongs: at the conspirators. Then watch the fun when they get smacked into next week by the irate butt of a joke gone too far. “This show is too funny! I’ll never punk anybody ever again,” remarked Punk’d producer Ashton Kutcher under extreme duress.

The premier episode features notorious practical joker George Clooney and Brad Pitt where Clooney sets up Pitt to make him believe Jennifer Aniston wants to reconcile their relationship. Acting as an intermediary, George takes Brad to a swank Las Vegas hotel when Brad believes he will meet Jennifer who reputedly has just found out she is pregnant. But instead they plan on finding Matt Damon in drag and a pregnancy body suit. Unknown to George and Matt several unknown sex videos of Jennifer from 10 years ago have surfaced, one featuring a young Clooney in a drunken horizontal bop with a clearly unconscious Jennifer.

As the pair enters the darkened room, Bobby Brown starts the video, driving Pitt into a jealous rage, while a clueless Clooney futilely tries to back petal. After filming George being beaten into a coma with a brass table lamp, Brown emerges from a back room screaming at the unconscious Clooney, “You just got Thump’d, Sucker!” He then whisks Pitt from the room after forcing Damon at gunpoint to put his fingerprints on the lamp. Massive memory loss makes Clooney unable to positively identify his assailant and Damon is held on charges of assault with intend to kill.

Next week, Bobby Brown finally does something about Dave Chappelle with guest thumpers P. Diddy and Eminem along for the ride.

Desperate Housewife Attempts to Disrupt Monday Night Football

Less than a week after wimping out of Saving Private Ryan for fear of offending viewers, ABC defiantly stormed back with a controversial skit at the opening of Monday’s Eagles-Cowboys game. The segment consisted of Desperate Housewives cast member Nicollette Sheridan wearing only a towel and attempting to seduce Philadelphia receiver Terrell Owens. Failing to find a suitable way to blame Janet Jackson for the debacle, the NFL quickly apologized.

''ABC's opening was inappropriate and unsuitable for our Monday Night Football audience,'' the NFL said in a statement. ``While ABC may have gained attention for one of its other shows, the NFL and its fans lost.'' In promoting the Desperate Housewives segment while leaving Private Ryan blowing in the wind, ABC demonstrated that use of the F-word in a war scenario is improper, while actually doing it before a football game isn’t.

''We have heard from many of our viewers about last night's opening segment,'' ABC said in a statement. ''We agree the placement was inappropriate.'' ABC spokesman Mark Mandel said the segment was a ''collaborative effort'' by several ABC employees. These employees were unavailable for comment as they were busy posting resumes and scripting the F-word into their job descriptions.

Many complaints weren’t with regard to the risqué nature of the segment, but the banality. “I wasn’t so much upset about the sexual content. It’s just…well, it kind of sucked!” one viewer complained on Howard Stern’s radio show, just before being fined by the FCC for using the S-word. Stern’s on-air reply drew another $250,000 in fines. An NFL spokesman doesn't believe Monday's incident will affect ABC's chances of retaining Monday Night Football rights past the 2005 season. But others see ABC’s future with the NFL as “All But Canceled”.

FCC Chairman Michael Powell weighed in on the incident with, "I wonder if Walt Disney would be proud," apparently alluding to the fact that ABC is owned by The Walt Disney Co. Mr. Powell, however, had no comment about the same moral values that elected a president pertaining to the entertainment industry.

Meanwhile, Private Ryan is still missing in action as the producer of the popular adulterous housewives ponders a spin-off series, Saving Ryan’s Privates. “It’s a hospital drama about desperate nurses,” said executive producer Marc Cherry. The pilot episode reputedly guest stars “Wild Thing” from the popular Viagra commercial being admitted for a stroke, visual defects, cardiac arrest and prolonged erection.

Dunn's Daily Translations

Here's an item that didn't work out with the New York Times. Kind of like Daily Affirmations many newspapers have. With the exception they ain't all that inspiring.

Day 1
Abraham Lincoln: “ Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”

Translated By George Bush at 4 November 2004 News Conference: "Let me put it to you this way: I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it. It is my style.”

Day 2
Howard Stern on his Radio Show 11 November 2004: "A buddy of mine who shall remain nameless says ... Viacom is trying to get Sirius [Satellite Radio] to pay off my contract and then I would leave early 'cause Sirius is anxious to get the show started.”

Translated by Albert Einstein: “To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.”

Translated by Friedrich Nietzsche: “At times one remains faithful to a cause only because opponents do not cease to be insipid.”

Translated by Mark Twain: “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you please.”

Day 3
Michael Scheuer, the former head of the CIA's Osama bin Laden Unit, as reported by ABC News 15 November 2004: "The current turmoil is a combination of a new administration under Mr. Goss, but also a decade of frustration that the clandestine service has been blamed for many problems that occurred."

Translation: “Panic now and avoid the rush.”

Translated by William Shakespeare: “Ill deeds are doubled with an evil word.”

Day 4
Joseph Cirincione of the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, as reported by CNN 15 November 2004: "Our policy toward Pakistan is basically the hope that everything stays OK."

Translated by Benjamin Franklin: “He that lives upon hope will die fasting.”

Day 5
Justin Timberlake taunting fleeing photographers outside a hotel: "Come and fight, you chickens."

Translation: “ Please allow me to execute a daring, macho move and boost my floundering celebrity status at your expense.”

Day 6
Colin Powell after resigning as Secretary of State 15 November 2004: “As we got closer to the election and in the immediate aftermath of the election it seemed an appropriate time and we were in mutual agreement that it was the appropriate time for me to move on. We knew where we were heading.”

Translated by Sir Winston Churchill: “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

Translated by Condoleeza Rice: “Mine. All mine! Mine, mine, mine!”

Day 7

Vice-President Cheney at George Washington University Hospital after undergoing three hours of tests 13 November 2004: "I feel fine."

Translated by the Tin-Man from Wizard of Oz: “When a man’s an empty kettle, he should be on his mettle. And yet I’m torn apart. Just because I’m presumin’ that I could be kinda human if I only had a heart.”

Translation: “F**k you!”

Day 8
Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld in El Salvador, 12 November 2004: "The people of Iraq are learning today what both El Salvador and the United States learned during their own struggles for independence and freedom: it's not easy...and it requires patience and has costs."

Translation: “Though the revolutions for independence of the United States, Mexico and Central American bear no resemblance to the invasion and regime change experienced by the Iraqis, thank goodness we can still idly apply unrepresentative homilies to the situation.”

Day 9

Statement Released by Barbra Streisand, Posted on November 8, 2004: ”In response to the results of the Presidential election last week, I would like to share with you a quote from Thomas Jefferson. Although written in 1798, I feel his words speak perfectly to the strong sentiments of frustration and disappointment 48% of the country feel: ‘A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public debt......If the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake.’

Translated by Confucius: “ He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good.”

Translated by Charles A. Dana: western journalist: “Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that they contain the whole truth, or the only truth.”

Translation: “Blah, blah, blah! And in case you don’t remember Alec Baldwin and I supposedly left the country after the LAST election!”

Day 10
Michael Jackson regarding Eminem’s new video, speaking to FOX News 12 November 04: “And I also want to make it clear that it's not just about Michael Jackson but about a pattern of disrespect that he has shown to our community. He needs to stop it, and he needs to stop it now."

Translation: “In my deluded state, I automatically associate any personal attacks on myself as an attack on the collective black community, even though I’m whiter than Eminem is.”

Day 11

Pat Buchanan, MSNBC political analyst, November 16, 2004, regarding Condoleezza Rice: “Dr. Rice is a scholar and Dr. Rice is a staffer. She is going to be sitting on top of a rebellious institution which adores Colin Powell and which is not going to go quietly if there`s going to be blood all over the floor there.”

Translation: “I see dead people!”

Day 12

International Energy Agency monthly report for November 2004: "Barring any major unforeseen developments, oil markets should continue to ease heading into and out of the winter."

Translation: “ Given that most major developments in the commodities market are unforeseen, I wouldn’t sell whale oil futures short just yet.”

Day 13
Alan Greenspan to the House Budget Committee on September 8, 2004: "If you get to a point of fairly significant long-term structural budget deficits, it begins to impact on the level of long-term interest rates."

Translation: “Consider a promising future in loan-sharking.”

Day 14

Bill Clinton, November 9, 2004 at Hamilton College: “The good news is I can say whatever I think. The bad news is, since I'm not president, nobody listens anymore

Translation: “Given the cosmic choice between absolute candid conversation versus having the vast responsibility of the presidency without the benefit of full disclosure, not to mention all the public adulation and careful attention to all details of what might come out of my mouth, I have to say that I’ve given both mutually exclusive options ample thought and have come to the conclusion that having that full attention of a sizable portion of the United States voting public at any particular time is significantly more appealing than living in the relative obscurity that comes with being divorced from public life. Hello? Hello, anybody out there?"

Bush-Wacked

The Election is on. Last week, using the ancient Jedi Mind Trick Cheney taught him on the good citizens of Greeley Colorado, George Bush captured more hearts and minds with his unambiguous, candid banter. The verbal flourishes and eloquence Bush is known for completely swept the adoring audience off their feet. For those who suffered head injuries as a result, this blog (under court ordered community service) has graciously offered to provide a translation of the most salient points.

BUSH--Now we are nearing the first presidential election since September the 11th, 2001. The people of the United States will choose the leader of the free world in the middle of a global war.

TRANSLATION—I’m a war president. Yeeee Haaaa!

BUSH-- First, I believe that America wins wars by fighting on the offensive.

TRANSLATION—Second, if I really believed that, we’d be in Syria by now.

BUSH--We are waging a global campaign from the mountains of Central Asia to the deserts of the Middle East, from the Horn of Africa to the Philippines. And those efforts are succeeding. Since September the 11th, 2001, more than three-quarters of al Qaeda's key members and associates have been brought to justice -- and the rest of them know we're on their trail.

TRANSLATION---Of course, this presumes we knew exactly how many al-Qaeda members they started with. This information is brought to you by the same intelligence sources that missed the signs of 9/11 but brought you phantom WMD programs.

BUSH--We ended the regime of Saddam Hussein, which sponsored terror. America and the world are safer with Saddam Hussein sitting in a prison cell.

TRANSLATION—Actually, we were just as safe while he was sitting in a hole in the ground. But, who knew?

BUSH--We sent a clear message to Libya, which has now given up its weapons of mass destruction programs.

TRANSLATION—Libya has also given up its space program, stem–cell research and any hopes of hosting an Olympics.

BUSH—He (Kerry) says that fighting -- he says that fighting terrorists in the Middle East, America has -- quote -- "created terrorists where they did not exist." End quote. This is his argument -- that terrorists are somehow less dangerous or fewer in number if America avoids provoking them.

TRANSLATION—In Texas we use the words “create” and “provoke” interchangeably.
We also piss on hornet nests.

BUSH-- But this represents a fundamental misunderstanding of the enemy.

TRANSLATION—Not me, HIM!

BUSH--As Iraq succeeds as a free society in the heart of the Middle East, an ally in the war on terror and a model of hopeful reform in a troubled region, the terrorists will suffer a crushing defeat, and every free nation will be more secure.

TRANSLATION—On the other hand, if chaos, anarchy and civil war ensures, we’re all f**ked!

BUSH--The Senator calls America's missions in Iraq a mistake, a diversion, a colossal error. And then he says he's the right man to win the war? You cannot win a war you do not believe in fighting.

TRANSLATION—You can’t win a war if you don’t fight. And you can’t fight if you can’t pass a drug test.

BUSH-- My opponent has the wrong strategy for the wrong country at the wrong time.

TRANSLATION-- As for me, I've the wrong stategy in the wrong country at the right time. That's because I'm smart.

BUSH--American leadership is indispensable to winning the war on terror. Ever since September the 11th, 2001, America has sounded a certain trumpet. America has led, many have joined, and America and the world are safer.

TRANSLATION----INCOMING!!!

BUSH-- He believes that instead of leading with confidence, America must submit to what he calls a global test.

TRANSLATION---If I had to pass a credibility test, I wouldn’t even be President.

BUSH--I'm not making that up. I was standing right here when he said it. As far as I can tell, that means our country must get permission from foreign capitals before we act in our own defense.

TRANSLATION—Of course I’m not known for keen observation and critical thinking, so he may have meant something like scrutinizing the reasons you give for going to war so that you don’t look like a liar 2 years later. But, that’s just a guess.

BUSH—I don't see much diplomatic skill in Senator Kerry's habit of insulting America's closest friends. He's called the countries serving alongside us in Iraq -- "a trumped up coalition of the bribed, the coerced, the bought, and the extorted."

TRANSLATION—What does he mean by “trumped up”? We paid good money for that support. And don’t forget Poland.

BUSH--We are witnessing big and hopeful events. Yet, my opponent refuses to see them. I believe that people across the Middle East are weary of poverty and oppression.

TRANSLATION—Hey, I just got endorsed by Iran!

BUSH-- It's fair to say that consistency has not been his strong point. Senator Kerry -- Senator Kerry says that we are better off with Saddam Hussein out of power, except when he declares that removing Saddam made us less safe.

TRANSLATION— Imagine the gullibility of someone who thinks that in the slums of Fallujah there might be a worst tyrant than Hussein.

BUSH-- Now my opponent is throwing out the wild claim that he knows where bin Laden was in the fall of and that our military had a chance to get him in Tora Bora. This is an unjustified and harsh criticism of our military commanders in the field.

TRANSLATION--By the way, these are the same field commanders who assembled those troops at Tora Bora on my orders and stayed put not to hack off Pakistan.

BUSH-- And he voted against many of the weapons systems critical to our defense build- History has shown that Senator Kerry was wrong, and President Reagan was right.

TRANSLATION---And history also shows Reagan selling arms to Iran, and funding an illegal insurgency in Nicaragua but nobody remembers that either.

BUSH--Senator Kerry has turned his back on "pay any price" and "bear any burden." And he has replaced those commitments with "wait and see," and "cut and run."

TRANSLATION—I, on the other hand, have replaced “skillful execution” with “gross underestimation.”

Angry Funnyman Bill Cosby Translated...Properly

Funny man Bill Cosby's remarks at an NAACP dinner in Washington didn' t get nearly as many laughs as his "Why is There Air?" LP in the 60's. What we have here is a failure to communicate. So a translation of the Washington Post transcript of his remarks is provided for the urbanites among us without a doctorate in education. Thanks, Snoop Dogg.

COSBY: "I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit. Where were you when he was 2? Where were you when he was 12? Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol? And where is the father?"

TRANSLATION: It's what went down at the flippity floppity floop that made him such a hack job.

COSBY: "People putting their clothes on backward: Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong? ...People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something, or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up? "

TRANSLATION: "These kids today seem happy-bo-bappy to be the mayor of Clowntown."

COSBY: "People used to be ashamed... [Today] a woman has eight children with eight different `husbands,' or men or whatever you call them now."

TRANSLATION: Word up. Rousting slags is shibby with the Springer crew but you ain't gonna get on Oprah like that.

COSBY: "We have millionaire football players who can't read. We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs."

TRANSLATION: "But that little fact hasn't cut into their bulging bling-bling budget one bit."

COSBY: "The incarcerated? These are not political criminals. These are people going around stealing Coca-Cola. People getting shot in the back of the head over a piece of pound cake and then we run out and we are outraged, saying, `The cops shouldn't have shot him.' What the hell was he doing with the pound cake in his hand?"

TRANSLATION: Of course, comparing larceny to boosting a pound cake is a rabidiculous milk and potatoes example. But you catch my drift, Dawg?

COSBY: "People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.... The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting."

TRANSLATION: "Yo, I ain't trying to give you a quick run for the money, but you're wack if you think we took mace in the face to get some juice just so a few jabbas could skate. Peace out."

Ralph Nader For Dummies

Ralph Nader, political nemesis, public nuisance or pragmatic negotiator? Who knows. But he sure likes to talk and he's campaigning again. Teaming up with Perot's Reform Party in order to get on state ballots, is politics' newest tag team a political reality....or unsafe at any speed?

NADER: I applaud the thousands of grocery employees in Southern California who are standing up for all workers against all too familiar examples of corporate abuse.

TRANSLATION: I wanna give a shout out to all my peeps!

NADER: Competition is a canard, and industry insiders know it.

TRANSLATION: They also know what the word 'canard' means.

NADER: Proponents of repealing this law argue that it will promote competition in the electricity sector and unleash billions of dollars in private investments needed to upgrade the electricity grid in the wake of the recent blackout.

TRANSLATION: Lies. All LIES!!!

NADER: If there was ever a sign as to how consumers have been abandoned, check out the recent surges in the prices of gasoline, heating oil, and natural gas.... If the American people are not going to receive any price relief, how about an explanation, Mr. Bush?

TRANSLATION: WHOOP! There it is!

NADER: But, the average fleet efficiency levels in new vehicles have slipped to the lowest level since 1980.

TRANSLATION: Excuse me while I back this Hummer over the current Administration's energy policy.

NADER: Consumers will save money at the pump, the air we breathe will be cleaner, and the amount of oil we import will decrease.

TRANSLATION: It's not easy being Green.

NADER: What government? The Bush Administration is headed by two ex-oil fellows and around Bush and Cheney there are 40 high officials who came from the oil and gas industry. Washington is marinated in oil!

TRANSLATION: Just add a little salt and pepper and we can cook this goose by November!

NADER: With nearly 80 percent of the nation's citizens living in urban-metropolitan areas, it is time to establish a new office that recognizes the real world in the 21st Century-an office with the authority to coordinate the disparate facets of federal programs which affect the overwhelming number of our citizens.

TRANSLATION: What we need are more lawyers in love.

NADER: Gluttony literally is rapidly becoming a competitive sport.

TRANSLATION: For the current Administration the only item left on the menu is crow.

NADER: Now Republicans and Democrats can not resist the lure of more frequent redistricting because, depending on who controls the state government, the reward of making their one party districts are obvious.

TRANSLATION: My district currently extends from the alley behind Wal-Mart to the Denny's parking lot.

NADER: Large corporations with their giant corporate law firms skilled in battles of attrition and delay can routinely bring the small number of state and federal prosecutors to such levels of concessions, if they do not escape prosecution filings entirely in the first place.

TRANSLATION: To compare these corporate law firms to Godzilla would be accurate, however, it would also alienate avid fans of the fictitious movie monster who make up a large portion of my core constituency.

NADER: With the chicken hawk-driven war on Iraq in high gear, Bush and Cheney have learned that the best way to silence the Democratic Party, distract from their miserable domestic outrages and provide the corporate and rich classes with favors is to envelop our nation in fear.

TRANSLATION: The Bush Administration has had SOME successes.

NADER: But the chicken hawks in Washington, led by Bush and Cheney, are disregarding the advice of many battle-tested officers, retired Generals and Admirals, diplomats and intelligence officials.

TRANSLATION: This Iraqi War Plan looks more and more like it was written by 'Frankie Goes To Hollywood.'

NADER: For years, consumer activists have asked Al Gore to reverse the U.S. policy of punishing developing country governments that tried to make essential medicines more affordable for sick people. And Gore ignored the calls.

TRANSLATION: Now that Gore's got a lot more time on his hands, maybe he'll start taking my freaking phone calls.

NADER: Watching reports describing our draft-dodging President as totally immersed in the scope and details of his Iraqi invasion, a number of puzzling questions arise.

TRANSLATION: Ya know...maybe I should have just stayed out of the 2000 election.

Secretary Rumsfeld's Interview with NBC's Matt Lauer: TRANSLATED

RUMSFELD: "Good morning."

TRANSLATION: "Howdy Do!"

RUMSFELD: "The first indication that the Department of Defense received was, I believe, on January 13th, when a soldier who saw some abuses taking place, apparently, reported them up his chain of command to his superior out there in Baghdad area. And the Central Command, the United States military command there, made an announcement to the world January 16th indicating that the charges of abuses had been made and that an investigation had been initiated by General Sanchez."

TRANSLATION: "Somebody squealed in January. We tried to cover it up with standard, lumbering bureaucratic procedure but it got away from us."

RUMSFELD: "Well, first of all, the report, as I understand it, is a stack of a report coupled with a whole series of annexes. And so when I’m asked a question as to whether I’ve read the entire report, I answer honestly that I have not. It is a mountain of paper and investigative material. Second ..."

TRANSLATION: "Did we bury it deep enough? Heavens to Betsy no!"

RUMSFELD: "Just a minute. I’m going to respond to your question. Second, the report and the information was part of a criminal investigation. And when there’s a criminal investigation, as you know, whether it’s in the military or outside the military, those things are managed in a prosecution or prosecutorial mode, and the materials are pretty much kept within that chain. Third, the information about the abuse led to the investigations from a management standpoint that were initiated almost immediately, and then sequentially thereafter to the point that there are six different aspects of it that have been looked into. The system worked. And it was announced publicly. There was no secret about it. They went right before the world in Iraq and told the Iraqi people, the American people, everyone, 'Be on notice. There have been these charges made.' So it worked."

TRANSLATION: "There, is it buried under enough bulls**t now? Yeah, boy!"

RUMSFELD: "Indeed".

TRANSLATION: "Fo shizzle mah nizzle"

RUMSFELD: "Well, clearly it’s the United States Army and the Central Command have the responsibility for the management of the prisons in that part of the world. And they are determining responsibility at the present time. And there have already been some criminal actions undertaken."

TRANSLATION: "Do I mean it's General Sanchez's job to find a scapegoat? Uh huh!"

RUMSFELD: "There’s two aspects to the facility there at Abu Ghraib. One aspect, of course, is detention. It’s keeping people off the street so that they can’t go out and commit a criminal act. A second aspect is interrogation, and it’s asking people questions to try to glean information that can save the lives of American soldiers in Iraq. And one aspect of it is handled by the people who handle detention and another aspect is handled by the people who handle the process of asking questions to try to save the lives of American soldiers."

TRANSLATION: "Did I completely circumvent the question about how Reserve Brigadier General Janis Karpinski was denied access to the cell block where these abuses took place? Oh, goodness yes!"

RUMSFELD: "Those are legal questions that are being studied in the investigation and determined to try to assess responsibility and culpability."

TRANSLATION: "Am I tap dancing as fast as I can? Well, pick up a paddle and slap me cross-eyed, sure I am!"

RUMSFELD: "Well, it’s not accurate. The fact of the matter is that from the very outset, the decision was made by the government of the United States that the people detained would not be treated in a manner that was... The decision was made that the Geneva Convention did not apply precisely but that every individual would be treated as though the Geneva Convention did apply. And as a result, the provisions of the Geneva Convention were the basic rules under which all people were detained. So it would not be accurate to say what that editorial said."

TRANSLATION: "What is this 'Geneva Convention' you speak of?"

RUMSFELD: "Certainly not, because in close proximity to what you quoted, I think you’ll find the statement I just made, that the United States government, the lawyers, made a conscious decision and announced it to the world and announced it to all the people engaged in the detention process that these people would, in fact, be treated as though the Geneva Convention did apply."

TRANSLATION: "Did we even think about the Geneva Convention? Good golly, Miss Molly, not at all!"

RUMSFELD: "Well, I’ve responded. I don’t know what else one can say. There’s no question that when any citizen, soldier or civilian, breaks the law, abuses people in a manner that’s inconsistent with the way people are trained and taught and with the way decent human beings behave, then that’s harmful to the United States."

TRANSLATION: "Am I the 'Secretary Emeritus' of harmful? Why, indubitably, Matt!"

RUMSFELD: "Well, anyone who sees the photographs does, in fact, apologize to the people who were abused. That is wrong. It shouldn’t have happened. It’s un-American. It’s unacceptable. And we all know that. And that apology is there to any individual who was abused. It seems to me that these things have occurred. The task for me, as the responsible person in the Department of Defense, is to see that if it’s an isolated instance that it’s punished under the Uniform Code of Military Justice. If it’s systemic, if there’s something broader than that, obviously we have to undertake the kinds of investigations we’re taking to see if other individuals conceivably have behaved that way."

TRANSLATION: "Us, and them. And after all we’re only ordinary men. Me and you. God only knows it’s not what we would choose to do. Have I resorted to quoting lyrics from 'Dark Side of The Moon', Matt? Certainly!"

RUMSFELD: "Of course not. We wouldn’t be conducting these investigations if we thought we knew the answers. We don’t know the answers. And that’s why, starting last January, at the first indication of this, these investigations were initiated."

TRANSLATION: "Am I more clueless than Colonel Klink in 'Hogan's Heroes'? Well, actually no. I'm more in denial like Sgt. Schultz!"

Computer World

ABOUT MICROBORE, Inc.

MicroBore, Inc. was founded in 78 AD in Pompeii as part of a long-term public works contract to automate the “volcano god appeasement” process. After the contract was cancelled, MicroBore, Inc. merged with a Roman competitor overseeing numerous road construction projects and was given the first exclusive entertainment contract as technical advisor for Coliseum events.
After opening headquarters in France, England and Spain, MicroBore's relentless penetration into new markets made it the first high-tech company in the New World by opening an office in Tenochtitlan, the thriving center of the Aztec Empire. As primary contractor on the Aztec Tourism Initiative, MicroBore, Inc. had now gained worldwide fame that has carried it through the centuries.

From its revolutionary FlyRite carrier pigeon navigation system to WWI’s innovative GAS-XP weapons system, MicroBore, Inc. has been there…and is still here. Now, MicroBore, Inc. is proud to announce the rollout of its newest, most innovative operating system since the last one.

Consisting of cutting edge technology in unholy union with forces of Darkness beyond the comprehension of the common man, the BaalXP is guaranteed to be the last operating system you will ever need...or no money back. That's right!

We at MicroBore are so sure of the BaalXP's ability to completely overwhelm your higher cognitive functions that we are prepared to make this additional offer: buy one BaalXP at regular price and get a second one at exactly the same price. Unbelievable! How can we afford to make this offer? We’re crazy! Plus we have a sizeable volume discount and we‘re passing no savings on to you. So become part of the ever-expanding MicroBore family today. We've even included a Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) section to ease you into the last OS you'll ever need.

MicroBore FAQ

QUESTION: When I try to install BaalXP on a computer running Baal95, the Setup stops at the "Preparing Installation" screen. What should I do? ANSWER: For crying out loud. We were unaware that anyone out there was still running Baal95. Uninstall Baal95, you idiot!

QUESTION: Why do I get a “server not responding” error message whenever I sign into Baal Messenger?

ANSWER: The error message appears if Baal Messenger does not successfully connect to the River Styx Messenger Service. So you think that might be the reason, jackass? I guess your real question is what to do about it. The answer is to go back to that particular porn site later when the server isn't so busy.

QUESTION: How do I trouble-shoot sound problems in BaalXP?

ANSWER: Yo, Einstein, get your hearing checked. There are no sound problems in BaalXP.

QUESTION: How do I copy music to and from an audio CD in BaalXP?

ANSWER: You don't need to be copying any music, mister! Give us your name and address so we can turn you in to SONY.

QUESTION: When I try and run any program, I get "the specific path does not exist. Check the path and try again." What do I do?

ANSWER: Check the path and try again, moron. How many times does it have to tell you?

QUESTION: How do I trouble-shoot problems with America On-line (AOL)?

ANSWER: This is a four-step process:

1. Remove AOL installation disk.

2. Purchase 12-gauge shotgun.

3. Toss AOL disk into the air.

4. "Trouble-shoot" the hell out of it, then get a decent provider.

QUESTION: Where can I download a demo to see if BaalXP is what I need?

ANSWER: Oh, shut up!

QUESTION: OK, OK! Let's say I purchase it. What do I need to know before installing BaalXP?

ANSWER: You need to know that by installing BaalXP, you are pledging your eternal soul to MicroBore to do as it pleases. AH, HA, HA! AH, HA, HA, HAAA!!! No, just kidding. Just remember to put your serial number and product code information in a safe place so you can provide it when receiving tech support.

QUESTION: How do I activate my copy of BaalXP?

ANSWER: BaalXP uses a proprietary software-based product activation technology spawned in the depths of Hell itself. You must activate your copy of BaalXP before you can use it. This eliminates a form of software piracy known as "casual copying" (sharing of software). To activate, use the Baal Product Activation wizard to provide the installation ID and the serial number of your immortal soul to MicroBore (either over the Internet or your phone line). A technical support demon in Hell trades a confirmation ID to activate BaalXP in return for your eternal damnation. Simple as that.

QUESTION: What is "Next-Generation Secure Computing Base"?

ANSWER: You're too stupid to even understand the answer to that. This is complex technology, but we'll humor you. NGSCB is a combination of new hardware and software that MicroBore guarantees will improve the security of PCs as well as eliminate any vestige of privacy still remaining in modern society. Soon, it'll be everywhere, so be a good little pod-person and stop asking questions you don't understand.

QUESTION: The latest patch issued by MicroBore is causing some Baal2000 machines to stop responding after start up. What's happening?

ANSWER: Elementary, my dear. It's simply trying to download a set of drivers and can't. The patch covers a nasty hole in the BaalXP implementation of Secure Sockets Layer (SSL). We feel crashing a few computers like yours are a small price to pay for maintaining the illusion that we are being proactive in closing security holes that we created in the first place. So quit your whining and upgrade!

MicroBore: “Soon we’ll be doing everything for you. EVERYTHING!!!!”

More FDA News

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Friday April 16, 2004, 2:19 PM
Statement by FDA Commissioner

PRESS RELEASE: FDA Bans Caffeine

WASHINGTON, DC (DunnWire) April 16, 2004 --Following our successful ban on Ephedra, we are expanding our authority by banning 1,3,7 trimethylxanthine, commonly known as caffeine. Caffeine is the most widely abused drug on the market today, and we at the FDA are taking immediate steps towards enforcing a complete ban on the substance.

Former FDA Commissioner Mark McCellan has previously confirmed the evils of caffeine which have been theorized for some time. Commissioner McCellan, Md, Ph.D., has now left the FDA after suggesting the total ban and being nominated for head of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services by President Bush in February. The Senate confirmed him in March. Even though no successor has been named to head the FDA, we are prepared to run amok and will follow through with the ban on caffeine in order to protect society from the ravages of this insidious drug.


The dangers of caffeine have been documented as far back as 1909 as World War I soldiers succumbed to caffeine poisoning by the hundreds. Victims of caffeine abuse are still diagnosed with any number of psychological ailments including ADHD and bipolar disorders. Use of caffeine has also been associated with dangerously low potassium levels, insomnia, and 'annoying perkiness'. The numbers of coffee related vehicular accidents have steadily increased since the late 80's, causing widespread alarm among health-officials, ultimately leading to this complete ban.

We also announce this bold move after it has been discovered that former Ephedra users are now substituting caffeine. Substitution of caffeine for the dangerous herbal supplement has elevated "strong coffee" consumption to dangerous levels. Coffee shops as well as soda and chocolate suppliers are to immediately cease and desist serving products containing 1,3,7 trimethylxanthine after the ban goes into effect today.

In our effort to reach out to children and adolescents about the dangers of caffeine, we are proud to unveil our new poster-child "Caffeine-Head Charlie" to list and define the serious effects of caffeine on the human body. Say hello, Caffeine-Head Charlie!


Wow, Caffeine-Head Charlie sure is irritable. That's just one of the side effects of caffeine, kids.

Wakefulness--One of the insidious side effects of caffeine is its ability to forestall sleep. Persons suffering from caffeine abuse will often use the drug in the evenings, delaying their normal bed times by two-four hours. They are frequently known to engage in random activities during the late hours. College students suffering from acute caffeine psychosis have been known to read hundreds of pages in a single night, gradually driven to madness by the brain altering effects of coffee. Persons prone to caffeine abuse in the mornings have been diagnosed with Anti-Attention Deficit Disorder (AADD) causing them to focus on a single task for hours at a time.

Agitation--Caffeine's ability to elevate heart rate produces undesirable effects in humans. Caffeine abusers have been known to launch into fits of anger over minor everyday incidents such as finding an empty coffeepot. They also have been known to develop unhealthy attachments to coffee-related items and may be driven to rage by the removal of some personal object like a coffee cup. This anger becomes more single-mindedly projected toward all things pertaining to coffee, its taste or even something as mundane as its temperature.

Annoying Perkiness--Caffeine abusers endure stunted social development as the result of a range of anti-social behaviors stemming from their addiction. The most pronounced symptom is the 'annoying perkiness' most prominent in the mornings. While most non-addicted people are slowly coming up to speed in the early hours, caffeine addicts have an unreasonably chipper attitude and elevated mood which is very disruptive in a work environment. As a result, caffeine addicts find themselves isolated from their co-workers. Generally, their only form of social interaction comes from other addicts in bizarre reinforcing rituals such as spontaneous congregation around the coffee machine and 'drip-fixation'.

Health Related Issues-- The myriad of health-related issues associated with coffee are too numerous to list. Most long-term coffee abusers develop chronic carpal tunnel syndrome in their forefingers and thumb from hours of trance-like balancing of coffee cups. Many require many months of painful rehabilitation once the addiction is cured.

The propensity for caffeine abusers to consume coffee at any opportunity has led to a rash of 'Coffee Crotch' incidents, resulting in numerous vehicular accidents and injuries. Incidents of sterility, though rare, have been reported when Coffee Crotch is left untreated. The mental health risks of coffee manifest themselves in disorders such as 'Caffeine Psychosis' where addicts become single-mindedly 'crazy about the stuff' and simply refuse to seek treatment to cure their addiction.

Don't let this happen to you! Drink Tequilla.


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