TRANSLATION of excerpts from President Obama’s April 16, 2009 JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE WITH PRESIDENT FELIPE CALDERÓN OF MEXICO in Mexico City, Mexico.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I want to begin by thanking the people of Mexico for their gracious welcome. And I want to thank President Calderón for the hospitality he has shown as a host.
TRANSLATION: The Mariachi band got to be a little annoying at 4:00 a.m., so I had the Secret Service take ‘em out.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: You know, this is my first trip to Mexico as President, and I see this visit -- as I know President Calderón does -- as an opportunity to launch a new era of cooperation and partnership between our two nations, an era built on an even firmer foundation of mutual responsibility and mutual respect and mutual interest.
TRANSLATION: Yo, make that dude play “Hotel California” on the leaf blower again.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: We also discussed what our nations can do to help bring a clean energy future to both countries. This is a priority for the United States. I know it's a priority for President Calderón.
TRANSLATION: Given the overall impoverished population, the economy’s dependence on producing oil and gas, plus the open sewers running down the middle of some streets, I’m sure I’ll get a bigger applause if I just scream, ‘SEPTIC SYSTEMS FOR EVERYBODY!!!’

PRESIDENT OBAMA: It's difficult to overstate the depth of the ties between our two nations or the extraordinary importance of our relationship. It's obviously a simple fact of geography that we share a border, and we've always been bound together because of that geography.
TRANSLATION: We’re like Conjoined Twins trying to tap-dance to Salsa-Rap fusion.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: And I'm committed to working with President Calderón to promote the kind of bottom-up economic growth here in Mexico that will allow people to live out their dreams here, and as a consequence will relieve some of the pressures that we've seen along the borders.
TRANSLATION: I’m teaching President Calderón how to bend the Mexican taxpayer over like we did the U.S. taxpayer with this bail-out.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: And I want to commend him for the work that he's already made in cutting greenhouse gas emissions, the commitment that he's made even though Mexico is not required to do so under the Kyoto Protocol.
TRANSLATION: Who knew you could cure global warming by turning cows into fajitas?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: A demand for these drugs in the United States is what is helping to keep these cartels in business.
TRANSLATION: Cut back on the stems and seeds and pick up the pace before we start buying from Bolivia.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: This war is being waged with guns purchased not here, but in the United States. More than 90 percent of the guns recovered in Mexico come from the United States, many from gun shops that line our shared border.
TRANSLATION: Which reminds me, you still owe us for two dozen grenade launchers.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Now, as we discussed in our meeting, destroying and disrupting the cartels will require more than aggressive efforts from each of our nations.
TRANSLATION: This is the part of the movie where we DANCE.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yesterday, I designated three cartels as Significant Foreign Narcotics Drug Traffickers under U.S. law, clearing the way for our Treasury Department, working together with Mexico to freeze their assets and subject them to sanctions.
TRANSLATION: Um…you might want to stay out of Mexico for a few weeks.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: It will not be easy, but I am confident that if we continue to act, as we have today, in a spirit of mutual responsibility and friendship, we will prevail on behalf of our common security and our common prosperity.
TRANSLATION: GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAL!

PRESIDENT OBAMA: So I think that this is building on previous meetings that we've had. In each interaction, the bond between our governments is growing stronger. I am confident that we're going to make tremendous progress in the future. Thank you.
TRANSLATION: Hey, half the audience just sneaked across the border, didn’t it?